So You Think I'm Too Young To Know What Love Is...

Falling in love is scary. Love is scary. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, so this makes no sense to them. But to others, our hearts are more guarded. And this may sound cynical, but falling in love inevitably opens you up to two possible outcomes: You will get hurt or you will hurt somebody. In some cases, both. And when you look at it that way, at least for me, I think it's a little bit easier to understand why falling in love can be so scary.


We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.
     - Anonymous


It's dangerous. Loving someone is so dangerous... Because it means giving part of yourself over to someone, depending on someone besides yourself, trusting... Falling in love makes us vulnerable. It tears walls down, peels away at layers we've built up. It's like when you were little and you went out to play in the snow. You put on a tank top, then a t-shirt, then a long sleeve  shirt, then a sweater, then a coat. And when you fall in love you have to take that off, layer by layer, until you're down to your tank top and underwear, standing in your laundry room with all of your clothes spread around you for someone else to see.


True Love burns the brightest, But the brightest flames leave the deepest scars.
     - Anonymous


Falling in love means creating a second part of yourself. It means letting someone else in. It means revealing all of the things you never wanted anyone to know. Every fault, every flaw, every twitch, fetish, quirk you always prayed no one would ever notice.


Falling in love is not like putting on makeup. You can put on makeup, and even though it might not be the best, in poor lighting you can still look amazing. But in love... Love is like going out in the sun at noon in the middle of the summer when there's not a cloud in the sky and getting caught without an ounce of makeup on. You can't cover up things with makeup when you're in love. It doesn't work that way, and it almost doesn't matter because, if you really love someone, you'll feel guilty if you keep things from them.


That one little blemish you've been covering up? If you uncover it everything changes, but it's a part of who you are, and keeping that from them, even if it's not your proudest feature, means they're not seeing the whole picture. And if you love someone for everything they are, you want them to love you for everything you are, too. You want them to see every fault, every flaw, every twitch, fetish, quirk you always prayed no one would ever notice because then they'll know you and if, at the end, they still love you? Well then, why would you ever let them go?


I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.
     - Anonymous


When you fall in love, it is essentially letting someone in and allowing them to stay there until they know you better than you know yourself. So yes, falling in love is scary. Mankind's greatest flaw is its ability to feel and act upon emotion. Love leaves us wide open for attack. And attack is inevitable. And, once you're under attack, you can't pull away forever because to deny your emotions is to deny your humanity. But you can't fall for it either because you'll end up breaking in the end. So what should we do? Do we deny our humanity ans save ourselves from possibilities? Or do we risk potential pain in order to experience emotion?


You can close your eyes to things do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
     - Anonymous


Personally, I choose the latter option. I'm going to risk a broken heart because being in love, while it lasts, is worth potential heartache.


This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.
     - Eat. Love. Pray.


And this is where you tell me that I'm too young to know what love is. So go on, say it. But I'm holding to the fact that I know more about what love is than most adults in the world right now. I would think I've said enough already for you to believe that, also, but if you need more proof then just keep reading.


Love is one of the best feelings in the world. It gives you a swelling feeling in your stomach and your heart. It gives you little butterflies in your stomach. And you may be thinking that I'm describing infatuation, but trust me, I know what I'm talking bout. It's not just butterflies, but it's also warmth. Like the butterflies are flying around in your stomach and someone lit a fire inside of you. But not a fire like lust. A fire that's soft and orange and warm, one that radiates with subtle heat, especially when you're with that one person. It's not changing to be with someone, but being with someone who brings out all of the best and worst parts of you you've always been afraid to show that ultimately make you into everything you were always capable of.


People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life... A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you... A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life...
     - Eat. Pray. Love.


It's still feeling nervous around them even after years of dating. It's being hungry for their touch, but not needing it to know how they feel. It's a relationship where you want to be close to them but you would still know they loved you even if you took away all the physical stuff. It's a look in their eyes that tells you you're so beautiful they can't look away even if you're not wearing an ounce of makeup and it's noon in the middle of summer and there's not a single cloud in to be found in the sky. It's finding thing in the other person that you love about them even if they don't love it in themselves.


People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other's personalities. Who wouldn't? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that's not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner's faults and honestly say, "I can work around that. I can make something of it."? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it's always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin  you.
    - Elizabeth Gilbert


It's realizing you find their little quirks charming and that you're not just tolerating them. It's knowing all of the stupid things they've ever done and realizing you don't care. It's being best friends with someone. Love is by no means easy... I take that back. Love is easy. Relationships are the hard part. And love is realizing that relationships are difficult but it's worth working through problems to be with someone you love.


It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But humans must try to love each other, darling.
     - Elizabeth Gilbert


It's knowing that, without that other person, you don't know what you would do with yourself. But it's also realizing when it's not working anymore and being willing to let that person go if you think it's best for them. After all, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you then it's meant to be. This realization, knowing you are not with someone just because you're afraid to be without them, this is the core of being in a relationship, I think. Because if you don't admit things like this to yourself, who knows what kind of defect you could be overlook. If you don't question your own motives, which one of you is on the road to ruin?


Both of us deserve better than staying together because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't.
     -Eat. Pray. Love.


It is loving someone for the sake of loving them, not because they love you or compliment you or give you nice things. Love is a lifeline, an emotion, an experience. It is all this and so much more to the point of being indescribable (though I've done my best to describe it here). It can put our heads in the cloud, but it also grounds us. It hold us to another person. We need this because without other people we are sick. People were not meant to live solitary lives. Why do you think God created Eve for Adam?


The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone."
     - Gen 2: 18


So yes, love is scary, but please believe me when I tell you that it's also worth it. I'd rather fall in love 1,00 times and have my heart broken just as many then never experience it at all because I'm afraid of what could happen. So I guess what I'm saying is that Alfred Lord Tennyson had it right from the get-got, didn't he?


'Tis better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.
     - Alfred Lord Tennyson

The Downward Fall of Self-Esteem

I don't watch that much television. As a teenager I know this must be shocking to you all. Even though I don't watch that much TV, I can say with almost absolute certainty that I have found the most disgusting show on television: "Bridalplasty, the only competition where the winner gets cut."


The viewers of this show can be described in one phrase: Compelled to be repelled. The entire thing is like a train wreck. You know you shouldn't watch but you can't look away. If you watch this show and don't cringe at the idea of it, or if you are even considering being on the show, please see a therapist immediately.


For those of you who don't know what "Bridalplasty" is, allow me to explain. Basically it is a show where brides-to-be compete for the ultimate prize of a dream wedding. However, along the way, with each challenge they win, they are also given some form of plastic surgery off of their "Wish List." This way, on the day of their wedding they can have all of the (temporary) self-esteem a good nose-job and tummy tuck can give a girl.


If you are reading this and thinking, No shit, this can't be right, then you are understanding every word of it. It is exactly what it sounds like: Brides competing for plastic surgery. No joke, after the first challenge when the puzzle was complete they were to grab a syringe and race downstairs to what was appropriately termed an "Injection Party." (Didn't their mothers ever tell them to run with the needle end down?)


Anyway, all 12 the brides live in a house together, just like any good reality TV show, and go against each other in some form of competition every week. At the end of the challenge the "Top Bride" gets one of the surgeries from her Wish List. Three of the brides get put in the bottom. The brides that are not the winner or the bottom three are given 24 hours to fill our and RSVP card and choose the girl they would like to see remain in the competition. The top bride is exempt from voting as she is recovering from her surgery during the RSVP ceremony. She is only made to vote in the event of a tie. (Let's hope the anesthesia has worn off by then.) The girl with the least amount of RSVPs is kicked off the show.


So, let's meet the lovely ladies competing here, shall we?

Alexandra White, 21

Former contestant on The Biggest Loser where she met her fiancé and was voted off first, lots of weight-loss skin to be taken in, in bottom two after first challenge

Allyson Donovan, 32

Recently laid off at the same time as her fiancé, rescheduled wedding twice already, uses humor to cope in awkward situations

Ashley Langford, 25

Would like to change the fact that she looks like her absentee father, pawned her engagement ring to pay for her car note, voted off after first challenge

Cheyenne Aikens, 21

Won first plastic surgery after winning second challenge (rhinoplasty), was not needed to break the tie during the RSVP ceremony

Dominique Santoro, 24

Resents her parents for spending all their money on her sister’s wedding and not saving any for hers

Jamie Farnsworth, 23

Wants to re-marry her husband after they rushed to the altar so her mother, who was diagnosed with cancer, could attend, very straight-forward, this blogger appreciates her statement, "I would rather tell her that she's being negative than not say anything let it continue to bother me to the point where I don't like her anymore."

Janessa Wainwright, 27

Gave her fiancé a timeline and an ultimatum for the wedding proposal, already created an alliance within the game which ended up getting someone voted off who actually deserved to be there, is not liked by this blogger, is a scheming, conniving game-player

Jessica Slocum, 30

Dream wedding would include an ice cream machine, pink ponies and cupcakes instead of a traditional cake, wanted a breast augmentation to fix the fact that her boobs were uneven after so many surgeries to haves sists removed, should still be in the competition and would be if not for the alliance, believes in thinking with your heart and not your head, voted off after second challenge

Kristen Sciacca, 21

Daughter of a former Miss California, seems very sweet and genuine

Lisa Marie N., 29

Wants every type of plastic surgery possible done before her wedding, is convinced that all the plastic surgery will give her the ultimate goal of complete self-confidence, likes to pray and give things over to God, is a little naive and was totally played in Janessa's alliance crap

Melissa Hooper, 20

Met her husband in the ROTC and had a quickie wedding before he was called to duty in the Middle East where he is currently stationed, missed her husbands arrival home to be on the show but the station brought him in to see her once he was home

Netty Aranguren, 23

Considers herself to be a spoiled brat (and yet is on this show...)

Now let's talk about the hostess.

Shanna Moakler

Ex-husband, Blink 182 drummer, Travis Barker, former Miss USA 1995, model, actress, Playmate of the month in December of 2001

Now, you would think that as a beauty pageant winner she would want to instill good morals into the female youth of America. But please remember, folks, there is no talent portion to the Miss USA competition. Shanna was actually the runner up and only became Miss USA when the original winner was crowned Miss Universe. Now, like any good host, Shanna has her tag line for when people get voted off. Would you like to know what it is? Sure you do.

"You're wedding will still go on, it might just not be perfect."

.....

Personally I think this entire show is a slap in the face to the youth of America. I wrote a paper on the affect the media has on self-perception and the age at which girls become aware of their own bodies and what the world sees as beautiful versus what is true beauty gets smaller and smaller every year. The media pummels us with ideas all the time. That will never change. However, it is one thing to say, "This girl is pretty. She uses this product. Use this product to be pretty." It is a completely other thing to say, "If you don't do this you and the most important day of your life will not by any means be perfect." That is what this show is telling people and I honestly can't believe it is even allowed on television.

Also, please take a look at this link --> http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/bridalplasty/cast_bios.html It is all the bios and pictures of the brides. Just look at them. All but probably three of them are what I would peg at a size 7 and smaller. The average size girl is like, a 12 or 14. Almost all of these women are smaller than that, and yet the doctor still somehow found fat pockets to circle on their stomachs and legs. I just don't get it...

It's probably because the world only likes to watch pretty things. Why do you think "More to Love" only lasted one season? I bet you don't even know what that is. Basically it was the Bachelor where the competitors were "Plus Size" (aka normal) women, but that completely besides the point.

The point is, this show is trash and the women on it need to step back, look at themselves, and get a serious reality check. So, in the words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

I might just hyperventilate. Oh. My. God.

I went to the midnight showing last night (under the condition that I would go to school today) and while I was dead all day and yes, I may have taken a nap in study hall, it was so worth it. If you are a Harry Potter fan, either the books or the movies, go see the movie right now. Now. I mean it. Get online, go to the website of the nearest theater, find the closest time to right now, get in your car and go. Got it? Now stop reading this and get to it.

If you have seen it, and you didn't like it, please keep your comments to yourself because I thought it was Brilliant with a capital B. While yes, a few of what some may consider "major scenes" were taken from the film, it still stuck the the book almost precisely. There were even some points at which lines were taken from the book verbatim. And, beyond the fact that it was just flat out amazing, the cinematography was top knotch.

Favorite additions to the movie: Dance scene between Harry and Hermione; Animated version of "The Three Brothers"*

*The animation of this story was a really great way to make it actually involved with the movie and it was really interesting. I enjoyed Hermione's narration of it with only the animation in the background.

I really want to re-read the entire book now. It's been so long since I read it that I didn't quite remember everything. I'd only re-read up until the three are preparing to break into the ministry, so for the rest of it I only remembered  brief parts.

Also, I would like to caution anyone going to see it: Pee before you go! There is one scene where, even if you're expecting it, you will still jump. I had to pee so badly that I nearly peed my pants when it happened, so please take care and go to the bathroom before the movie.

Also, contrary to what some left the theater believing, Harry and Hermione are not, I repeat NOT, a couple. Harry likes Ginny. Hermione likes Ron. Harry and Hermione are best friends and think of each other like brother and sister, and as such feel the need to take care of one another. When Hermione is sad, Harry tries to comfort her to make her feel better and vice versa. They're just looking out for each other. As for the scene with the horocrux, Ron feels like he's not good enough because he's best friends with, well, Harry Potter. That little scene plays out simply to explain Ron's insecurity and worries. Nothing more.

Anyway, I hope I didn't give anything away to anyone who has not seen it, and hopefully explained some things to people who had misconceptions. Now it's time to talk about the characters themselves.

I have felt ever since the first movie that the characters have always been cast well. Scrimgeour is probably the only character I never had a clear vision in my head for when it came to appearance, but after seeing the movie I feel that Nighy was a good fit. There were not many other new characters to be introduced this time around, but as always Daniel, Emma, and Rupert stole the show. Helena Carter shines as Bellatrix Lestrange,

always the creep but perfect in her role of bloodlust. There is just something about her that makes her perfect for that role...

Anywho, go see it. I've been obsessing over it for days, and I have no doubt that, if you like the movies/books at all, you will be too.

Zombie Invasion

There are hundreds, maybe thousands of books out there on what to expect in high school, just like what to expect when you're having a baby. They give you the basics in a nice, organized order with an index to boot and tell you how to make it out alive. They talk about peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, homework. The ushe. And in the end high school is always, "The best years of your life!" Exclamation point, smiley face, cheesy thumbs up and all (with the help of this book, of course!)

I hate to admit it, but I've read more than one of them. Maybe not the "How to Survive High School" book exactly, but a lot of stories that stereotype high school. A lot of what happens in those books is pretty true to life, but none of them say a single thing about this. I wish they would have. Then maybe I could have prepared. But no. I always thought I could rely on books, but this time they've left me out to dry.

It's half-way through second quarter (Literally. Mid-terms were on Monday, people.) and even the underclassmen reek of what has been affectionately termed "senioritis." I feel like my arms are going to fall off every day and almost collapse when I realize I'm only carrying two folders and a notebook. This lethargy won't leave and I know I am not the only one who feels it.

Looking down the hall I can just tell: we are all headed for one, total and utter senior-class mental breakdown.

When I look around the school I replace people's clothes with straight jackets so they're all hugging themselves instead of their books. I picture the white stone turned to white padding. It's not that difficult to do, and when the picture is complete it looks just about right.

Does anyone else feel it? I know you do. Everyone is freaking out, and if they haven't already, they're about to. I'm waiting for the day we all get shipped off to therapy. We need to just admit it: We are all done with this place, but we just can't pinpoint why. We can't explain it. Nothing has changed, but our feelings toward everything has. It's like being on autopilot, and knowing you're on autopilot, and not being able to gain control again. You want to do something out of the ordinary, something strange, just to see if it can pull you out of this rut. (I've been contemplating dying my hair black, myself.) You want to get out and think for yourself but at the same time you know you think too much and if you're fully allowed to think to yourself you worry about what you might think, so maybe not thinking at all is the better option?

Please allow me to speak for anyone that has been, is, or will be a senior. We are 17 and 18 years old, and somehow feel the world expects us to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives. "We are the future," and all the rest of the bull that makes us feel like the fate of the world is on our shoulders. Parent, teachers. Our entire adolescent lives they've been telling us about the "read world," whatever the hell that's supposed to be. Half of that time we spent believing that somehow, the "real world" was none of our concern and that we had time before we had to deal with it.  The second half of that time we've spent yearning for it, wanting nothing but to get out of this damn "fish bowl" called high school. We've been watching the time tick by, waiting for time to be up.

Now the timer is going off. Ding, fries are done, but we don't want them any more. All that time we thought we had has slipped away out the window and down the street past the second star to the left and on til morning. We keep hitting snooze, but the time seems to get shorter with ever push of the button. You can't sleep in forever, sweetie. At some point you have to wake up and greet the day.

It's effing hard  to be a teenager right now. Has it ever been easy? I wonder if everyone goes through this their senior year. I've heard they do, like it's the one thing every senior goes through but no one talks about because this is supposed to be the best year of our life, after all.

And I swear. I'm trying to make it the best year of my life because I've always been told to enjoy it now, but it's so difficult to do it when you can't figure out why you're doing the things you're doing and you have to quit doing things you used to love because you aren't in the right mental state to make the commitment to it anymore. It's a sad day when the people you love feel like you don't love them because you've been distant and apathetic lately and you try to explain over and over again what's going through your head and how you love them so much it hurts but you have to make time to love them because if you don't you'll forget to because you think you're losing your mind and you have a mental disease and you fear for your sanity and-----

It's so hard for other people to hold on to you when you struggle to hold on to yourself. So when you find that moment when you're no longer on autopilot, like when you're driving down the road with a couple friends, windows down in the dark at 8:45 on a Wednesday, blasting Katy Perry through the radio so loud you think your speakers might spontaneously combust, when you find that moment you stretch it out as long as you can because you know that the high of living will only last until you crawl into your bed.

I'm trying to find that thing that makes me happy that I don't have to cling to for a short while and stretch out. I'm trying to find it and trying to switch out of autopilot and trying to explain myself to people who can't understand all at the same time, and it makes me freaking tired. We are all tired. We walk down the hallways and sit in class like zombies.

I'm just waiting for the thing that snaps us all out of it.

Now go watch this --> everything will be ok : Don Hertzfeldt