thin-king

I've kind of converted to tumblr these days. But I shall update you all on what's been happening with me.

Bottom line: I'm trying to lose weight. These are the things that prompted me to do it. (bee tee dubs, all of this is from my Tumblr feed)

d.u.f.f. (wed, sept. 28)
i think one of the most annoying things in the world would have to be when someone who is OBVIOUSLY smaller than you are complains about being overweight or needing to lose weight. while you, clearly heavier than they are, stand nearby listening to them.
OR when you need to vent to your friend about how you’ve been feeling down recently, and your friend tries to one-up you. 

me: i’ve been feeling so ugly lately. like, legitimately unattractive.
friend: well i’m invisible. no one ever pays attention to me.
me: yes they do. you’re so pretty. 

then all of a sudden you’re like, “wait! i came to you looking for you to cheer me up, not the other way around!” and that’s the way the cookie crumbles.  

ps- d.u.f.f. = designated ugly fat friend = me

we all want to be skinny (thurs, sept. 29)
I’m kind of disgusted right now. I’m disgusted with the girls who look at skinny girls every day and think, “I want to look like that.” Not because it’s wrong to want to lose weight. Hell, I want to lose weight! I haven’t been on a scale since I’ve been at college and there’s no way in hell I’m getting on one any time soon. I know I weigh somewhere between 200 and 207 pounds. On a BMI chart that makes me “obese.” Am I happy with that? No. Do I want to lose weight? Yes. But let me tell you WHY I want to lose weight. 

I want to lose weight because it’s the healthy thing to do. My weight is going to get in the way of my life, and I refuse to let that happen.

I want to lose weight to feel better about myself. Because I love myself enough that I deserve to feel good. 

These things are my motivation. I have a boyfriend who thinks I’m beautiful. My family and friends think I’m pretty. I make friends fine. My weight doesn’t keep people from speaking to me. But I want to feel beautiful, and I feel losing weight will help. 

The thing is, that is the thing. Losing weight will only help. It won’t be everything. Weight loss is just one of the steps towards loving yourself. When you lose weight, you shouldn’t love yourself more because there are a couple inches off your waist. You should love yourself for setting goals and working through them, even if it was tough. You should love yourself because you reached a goal, hopefully a healthy one, and it’s going to allow you to live your life in a way that carrying extra weight around wouldn’t let you do. Weight loss is a temporary fix. I hate to tell you all this, but no matter how much weight you lose, unless you disappear, there will always be someone skinnier or “prettier” than you are. It doesn’t matter how skinny you are unless you can look at yourself in the mirror and love your own face. Because you are beautiful. I cannot stress this enough. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, DAMMIT. 

I’m just… completely disgusted. Disgusted because I look at girl who think the same thoughts I have and pray to God that no one ever has to feel that way again. Society is so warped these days. You don’t even understand. Crash diets? Eating disorders? What the fuck is happening to girls today? Being skinny because of these things is far more unhealthy than being what society might call “fat” but eating a healthy diet and exercising. And not just physically unhealthy, but also mentally, spiritually, emotionally… These things fuck you up. An obsession with weight loss, in my opinion, is sick. I’d rather be “fat” (and I use the term lightly) and happy than skinny and sick. 

If you’re going to try and lose weight, I can’t stop you. But I can beg you, do it for yourself. And every day, instead of looking at some skinny girl on the internet, look at yourself and smile. Put on that Bo Burnham song or an Aziz Ansari track that you listen to and just can’t resist laughing. And when you see yourself smile, realize how beautiful you are. Do it for you. Not for society. Not for some boy. (You shouldn’t have to change for them to like you. And if the only reason they like you is because you are now skinnier, and being the the relationship makes you afraid to gain any weight, it’s a superficial relationship. Just think about it, please.) But do it for you. Like I said, it won’t matter how skinny you are if you have an ugly outlook. 

Some of you may be thinking, “I never smile because then I have two chins.” But I can promise you, you’re smile can light up a room. 

Lose weight because you love yourself. Don’t lose weight and expect to love yourself as a result.

          Then I saw this:
         






          So I wrote this:

fasting (thurs, sept. 29)
is in complete honesty one of the worst things you can do for you body. 

this is because when you fast, it freaks your body out. it doesn’t know what to do. 

then when you finally eat again, your body just retains every last bit it can and converts it all to fat because it doesn’t know when it’s going to get those nutrients again. 

eating barely anything during the day like the 2,4,6,8 diet and things like that where you only eat like, 200 calories a day? that does the same thing. 

when you eat like this, you deprive your body of vital nutrients. you make yourself sick.  

if your’e trying to lose weight, go here ->http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htmcalculate how many calories you should be eating daily. I’m guessing it’s somewhere over 1500. 

and that’s probably in the low range for extreme weight loss. 

so, if that’s what you’re supposed to be eating, imagine what you’re doing to yourself when you fast or eat less than half that number in a week. 

please stop starving yourselves.  

eat healthily and work out. burn more calories than you take in. that is how you should lose weight. i will do it with you, even, if you just promise me you will stop killing yourself. 

thanks. 

So, after all of the terror of seeing so many girls who chose to starve themselves for the sake of "beauty," I decided to set and example.

ten things. (fri, sept. 30)
this is what i’m gonna do. 

i’m going to lose weight. the healthy way. are you ready for this? 

1. drink water. if i can’t find water, fruit smoothies, sports drinks, things of that nature.
2. no more chex mix.
3. no more chocolate muffins/cupcakes.
4. get a decent amount of sleep.
5. cut down on white breads, pastas, etc. (aka carbs)
6. 3 sets of 12 lunges, 3 sets of 12 push ups monday, wednesday, friday, sunday
7. 3 sets of 12 squats, 3 sets of 12 sit ups tuesday, thursday, saturday
8. 30 minutes one the elliptical/stationary bike/treadmill (or combo) every day in addition to sets
9. stop making excuses.
10. love who i am. 

do it with me?

And so it began.

Day 1 (friday)
Today I officially started watching what I eat. I went on that calorie counter website today to calculate how many calories I need to intake to lose weight healthily. At my height (5’ 8”) and weight (204lbs) working out 5 times a week, these are my numbers: 

Maintenance: 2414 Cal/dayFat Loss: 1931 Cal/dayExtreme Fat Loss: 1632 Cal/day 

So, today I started counting calories. 

Breakfast: Nothing (0 Cal)Lunch: Flatbread/fruit smoothie (570 Cal)Snack: Acai Machine Naked Juice (280)Dinner: Brussel sprouts/pasta salad/honey mustard chicken/biscuits with apple butter(96+350+300+540=1,286 Cal)Total: 2,136 

So. Not the best day. I realize my dinner was a little indulgent… I made it. And originally there were no biscuits involved. But then my mom wanted biscuits. It is my first day. And I know that’s not an excuse, but this is a process. Honestly, the fact that I counted my calorie intake at all surprises me. Also, this helps me realize that on average, the way I’m eating now is just maintaining my weight, instead of at a level to lose it, which is what I want. So now I know what to look out for. I hope to improve this, little by little. Like I said, it’s a process. 

Day 2 (saturday)
Breakfast: Coffee with creamer (105 Cal)
Lunch: Under 550 Cal meal at Applebees (<550)
Dinner: 1 serving of some pasta thing my boyfriend made me/salad with raisins, pecans, and balsamic vinaigrette (180+90+75+unknown amount in the salad mix)
Total: 838 (aka not enough) 

Hmm… I’ll get there. Gotta figure out the balance. 

Day 3 (sunday)
Breakfast: Coffee with creamer (105)
Lunch: Apple, 1 serving of chili, 1 serving of sausage/egg/cheese casserole (95+unknown+unknown)
Snack: 1/2 of a Naked Juice (140)
Dinner: Cheerios, banana, skim milk (190+105+90)
Total: 725 + however many calories were in the casserole and the chili 

So. Toady was probably closer to how many calories I need to be eating, but still a bit short. I think I shall go get on the elliptical soon.  

Day 4 (monday)
Breakfast: Raisin Bran with Skim milk (280+90)
Lunch: Peach smoothie and flatbread (210+170)
Dinner: Cottage cheese and Turkey in honey wheat wrap with tomato, spinach, bell peppers, mozzarella, and cucumber (116+?)
Total: 866 + whatever my sandwich was 

Exercise: 30 min stationary bike (103 Cal); 10 min elliptical (100 Cal); 2 sets 12 lunges 

Today was a good day. I feel good. I’m really proud of the fact that I worked out today, because it is definitely not one of my favorite things to do. I’m still kind of under my calorie count compared to where I should be, but the thing is I eat, I feel full, I stop eating. It’s not like I’m starving myself, I promise. If I was that hungry, I would eat. Trust me. 

So yeah. Now I just need to keep up the motivation and I’ll be good (:

i think the best thing about this process is that i’m proud of myself. i always start things and then never finish them. but i’m determined to see this through. and for that alone, without even having lost the weight yet, i’m proud of myself.

however, in the way of weight loss, i have made an achievement already (: the other day when i stood on the scale, there was a 1 instead of a 2 at the beginning. i cannot even start to explain how good that made me feel about what i’m doing. so that’s what i’m working for. now that theres a one in front, i’m looking forward for when my weight starts with 18 instead of 19.

it’s baby steps like that that make me excited. because even though the end result will be fantabulous, i can’t look that far ahead. because if i get to 189, and i’m looking ahead to 145 (my ugw) i’ll feel really discouraged. but if i get to 189 and consider the fact that it was originally 204, then i’ll feel really good about the weight i’ve lost.

so, one day at a time. progress not perfection. all that jazz and other aa lingo.

<3 

positivity and leeches

That awkward moment when...

• your ex is now your gynecologist and he/she recognizes you by your genitalia.
• you draw a self-portrait you really hate and someone says, "Well, I can definitely tell it's you."
• you decide to change with your blinds open thinking, "No one can see me." Then someone sees you.
• you're the only kid from the original HP cast who didn't grow up to be a total hottie.

I just don't really know any more.. Being away from Evan is terrible. I really hate it...

I've been feeling sub-par recently. I've applied sporadically to jobs for the past 2 1/2 years now, and never even got an interview. My boyfriend just got the first job he applied for. My hips are too big for jeans and my feet are too big for shoes. My friends know how to survive without me. Every time I walk into my art classes I feel like something I always thought I was good at is being slowly taken away from me...

I'm gonna paint my nails now.

So. It's been almost a week since I last updated this. It's currently 11:15 p.m. My roommate and I just watched the original animated Robin Hood movie. The one where Robin Hood is portrayed as a fox. It's a good'un.

So. Mom. I know I said it was okay. But I really don't want you to read my blog any more... I don't know why. It just... Bothers me to know that you're reading it. You may read the rest of this post, though. I will give you that. I'm just upset because if you wondered if I would continue to write at all if I knew you read it, then you shouldn't have said anything... Sorry mommy. I love you. Or! You know what? We can work out like, a little system. Like, when you check my blog if it has *** at the top you know not to read it. And the if there's nothing it's okay. Idk. We'll work something out.

So, last week was basically the week out of hell. A lot of things went wrong, including my teacher not taking a grade on a project I spent 9 hours on, my really expensive colored pencils breaking repeatedly, my grandmother being in the hospital, and crashing my car. So after that week, I refuse to be negative. So, I'm going to list some of the positive things that happened to me today.

1. I finished a self portrait project I've been working on for a really long time now and I'm very proud of it.
2. Although I wrecked my car it resulted in me going home which in turn resulted in me getting my mother's old leather portfolio to replace my cardboard one. So, today, that meant my portfolio didn't fall apart in the rain and my artwork stayed protected.
3. Although it rained today, there was no wind. And it could've rained much harder. And I like the rain <3
4. I had some time to play around and do some photo editing today, which is what I really love.
5. My roommate, my friend from down the hall, and I all sat in my room and watched the animated version of Robin Hood.
6. I got other people to be positive, too.
7. All of my friends listening to Disney music while working on our art projects.
8. Getting to talk to Anna, who is basically the older sister I never had.
9. The fact that, even though the sandwich the Boar's Head made for me at lunch was completely wrong, it still had the meat I wanted on it and I was only charged for a veggie sandwich.
10. It's actually starting to feel like Autumn, which is my favorite time of year.

So, there's a list of 10 things I looked at positively today. I kept telling people that anywhere around me is a zero-negativity zone. It actually really helps. It makes me feel not so much like a robot, which is how I was beginning to feel. I was genuinely miserable this weekend because I didn't get to see my friends like I wanted to. But because of crashing my car, I got to visit my grandma who came home from the hospital on Friday and see my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I was so ate up with not being able to see my friends that I didn't even take time to enjoy the people I did get to see. And that just isn't fun at all. So, like Timon and Pumba say, "Hakuna Matata." (I got to see that movie in 3D this weekend... it was awesome.)

I think everyone needs to do that every once in a while. Society gets so overwhelmed with all the shitty things that happen we all develop this "morbid fascination with the negative" as my dad calls it and this obsession makes it difficult to see all the good things around us. So we all sit around feeling sorry for ourselves and saying, "Yeah, but...!" when we don't get our way. So yea, I would've liked to see my friends this weekend and not have crashed my car, but it resulted in quality time with my parents, my grandma, my boyfriend, and a new portfolio. See? There are ways to make good out of what seems like a terrible situation.

These are the photos I edited today. They're all screenshots from Bo Burnham's music video, "Oh Bo."

The other day my professor compared Aesop's Fables to Garfield... I was like, "Um... What?" Not that either of them matter because, well, they're about animals and we're people.

Today one of my professors pulled up a YouTube video in class. And he didn't have to override a block to do so. college > high school

I had some other things I wanted to say... What were they? *check Tumblr to see*

The other day I was running late to class. A kid I just met this year and have one class with happened to see me walking by. He had a golf club with him. And he though it would be funny if he stuck it out in front of me while I was walking towards him. I freaked out. I was on a mission and so focused on getting to class I about jumped 5 feet when all of a sudden there was a golf club handle blocking me. It would have been really funny if I hadn’t been in such a rush.

My boyfriend informed me that he saw a shirt that said, “Oedipus was the first mother fucker.” Bo Burnham would be proud.

P.S. I spelled Oedipus without using spellcheck. That’s because I actually know who Oedipus is. Hooray for Mythology and AP English!

I wish I was smart enough for Bo Burnham… Or famous. So I’d at least have a chance of meeting him… I wonder if there’s an address anywhere so I can send my fanmail. Cause I’m not going to bother writing it if I can’t even get it to him. That would just be silly. I am, however, going to compile a list of things I would say to/ask him if we ever did meet.

So, there's that... And I really am working on that list.

I really hate how on Tumblr there are people who never actually write anything themselves. Or take photos or even post quotes they like. They just reblog everything. You go to their profile and just EVERYTHING is something that's been reblogged. Whatever part of their brain makes their finger hit the reblog button 500 times a day needs to be unclogged so they don't reblog. I reblog sometimes. It's no big deal, every once in a while. But I always but why I reblogged it. So please, reblog responsibly.

Why in the world would PJ want Nyan Cat? Why? If you're PJ and Nyan Cat was for you... screw you.

Now it's time for... *drumroll*

Things My Roommate Says that Take Me Off Guard

• Squirrels are like super rodents.
• Me: I have so much to do tonight. 
• Her: I have so much to do for the rest of my life.
• He was like, "You're so fucking cute," and she was like, "I fucking love you," and he was like, "No, I fucking love you," and I was like, "Actually, neither of you are fucking cute and your children are going to be messed up."
• I would send you to Boston to see Bo Burnham if I could, just because it would make you happy.
• Her: What's the weather like? 
• Me: I don't know.
• Her: You're no good for anything.

There are definitely more of those to come.

Bo Burnham tweets: “Behold! Art!” to something creative he did.

Everyone else replies, “Art is dead,” and thinks they’re the clever ones because that’s the name of one of his songs.

The other day my friend listened to a Bo Burnham song for the first time. Part of the way through the song she turned to me with this highly scandalized expression on her face and asked, "Did he just say what I think he said?" Completely unfazed I answered, "Why yes. Yes he did." I think that's the beauty of Bo Burnham's lyrics. They're so unexpected. It's like when you just get pieces of a conversation and hear something completely inappropriate and off-topic except with Bo, when you think, "No, there's now way he just said, 'intact hymen.'" Except he did. And that's why people love him.

I've come to notice that the only time I get any attention on my Tumblr is when I mention/tag Bo... Weird.

This is my Inca Kola, as you can see. until this sunday, I didn’t know you could get it anywhere except South America. It’s like carbonated bubblegum, otherwise known as Heaven. My dad personally calls is “Icky Cola.” Lot’s of people don’t like it. My roommate happens to be one of those people. But I don’t care. It just means I get to drink it straight out of this 2 liter bottle. (: I think the reason I like Inca Kola so much is because of what it means to me. When I was in 7th grade, the summer before 8th, I got to go on this amazing trip to Peru, and at the lodges we stayed at they had this Inca Kola. It came in glass bottles, just like all the other pop, that you could by for a dollar and then you would give them the bottle back and they would recycle it. I remember one or two of us would by a thing of soda and then we would pass it around and like, 5 people would share this one bottle. We became like a family that week. I remember the hammocks and the food and rain and the howler monkeys... So you may not like it, but I sure do.

I think that's all I have to say for tonight. I mean, I have more. I always have more. But it's 12:30 now. And there's sleeping to be done.

Good night, my dear readers. Parting is such sweet sorrow... Except when there's a leech involved.

i'm an art major.

If you have any hipster status at all, 30 points are automatically deducted if you're fat.


I wish people would take time to understand what an art major entails before declaiming it as doodles and shapes. Just because we're not sitting around with graphing calculators and solving equations or writing papers late into the night doesn't mean we're not working just as hard if not harder than people undertaking other majors. Do you think I wanted to lock myself up in the media room for 2 1/2 hours coloring in a 3"x12" grid made of 1/4" squares until I went cross-eyed? No, I most certainly did not. But I did. And even though it may have just looked like a bunch of fancy filled-in squares to you, I worked really hard on it. And tonight when I lock myself up in the media room doing what looks to you like just cutting shapes out of black paper, it will really be me busting my ass to make the cleanest lines and most interesting shapes I possibly can so I don't fail foundations and miss my chance to submit a portfolio to get into the program I want at the end of this year. Because missing that portfolio review means taking the same classes again to try and make the review the next year. And at that point, if I even get in because the program only accepts 32-36 people a year depending on availability, I'll already be a year behind because the program takes 3 years. Say good-bye to the class of 2015 and hello to the class of 2016.


Art is the easiest thing in the world to do poorly and the hardest thing to do well. That's what my drawing instructor keeps telling us, anyway. And it's completely true. Because art is completely subjective. Something I feel proud of may not be what my instructor wants at all.


So think, please, before you go thinking whatever you have to do for your major is more difficult than what art majors do. And if you do say what we do is easy, then please, let's see you try. Oh what's that? You can't? That's what I thought. Okay bye.


I just got a tumblr account (which you can view here --> *click*) and I think that I might be using it incorrectly. Seriously. Like, 3 of the people who reblogged one of my posts have the same picture/theme on their profile. And the picture is really gross. And then another person, when I went to look at their profile thingy, it was almost all photos of naked/half-naked women. I’m severely confused here…

Social networking is like crack cocaine. It takes up all my time and makes my pupils look dilated. Or, in the words of Bo Burnham (you thought I was going to go for a whole post without talking about him, did you?) on Twitter: "Twitter is like crystal meth because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it."

My roommate and I mention each other Twitter even when we're sitting in the same room.

The other day when I locked myself the media room for 2 1/2 hours, there was one redeeming part of that experience, and that was meeting another girl in my dorm who was working on an art project, too. Just to set the scene, it's me, a chunky white girl with dyed hair, and this black girl with braids sitting across a table from each other and working on individual art projects. She said the word "dope" a lot and liked Disney soundtracks (we ended up working to music from "Anastasia"). She was also married. A freshman in college, she told me she and her husband were just married at the very end of August, so just a couple weeks ago. He lives in another town but isn't going to college. They had been dating for 3 years and were engaged for 1. I told her that getting married right out of high school was very brave of her and that her ring was blingin'. It was a good time.

I have some more awkward moments for you! 

That awkward moment when...

• you've already gone pee and then you realize there's no toilet paper or anyone to bring any to you.
• you're on Skype with someone and your roommate walks in in their towel.
• someone has in an earpiece and you respond to what they say because you think they're talking to you.
• you finish taking your shower and realize you forgot a towel.
• you see someone you went to high school with but didn't really know but you feel obligated to smile at each other anyway.
• someone de-friends you and then sends a friend request 3 months later.
• you ask someone when they're due and they're not pregnant, just fat.
• someone asks you when you're due and you're not pregnant.
• your doctor asks you if you're sexually active and you mother's in the room. 
• (Even if you aren't, this is a seriously embarrassing question. Let's just be honest, here.)
• you call someone to ask if they've seen your phone.
• you know you've seen someone before and just can't think of where... then realize you're related.
• you tell a friend an entire, detailed story and at the end remember they were there, too.
• you start to flirt with a guy and then his boyfriend walks up.

It's Friday. Behind me, my roommate is catching her mother up on all the latest gossip over the phone which I am now privy to. I think I'm going to lock myself in the media room and start cutting those shapes, now.

But first, pajamas!

love. kinsey.

blippin' tricks

I think people who are part of minorities create racism. Because they flock towards each other. So no, it's not that our seating is segregated. It's that all the black people sit with the other black people and Asians sit with other Asians.

I just had a really good thought and then it slipped out of the back of my head.

Right! Okay. I hate it when people use the word "legit." It's really starting to annoy me. Especially when they use it when they don't even know a) what it's short for or b) how to use the original word. If you're going to use the word "legit" know what "legitimate" means. Here, I'll even help you out.

le-git-i-mate
adjective |liˈjitəmit|1 the only form of legitimate gambling: legal, lawful, licit, legalized,authorized, permitted, permissible, allowable, allowed, admissible,sanctioned, approved, licensed, statutory, constitutional; informal legit,street legal. ANTONYMS illegal.2 the legitimate heir: rightful, lawful, genuine, authentic, real, true,proper, authorized, sanctioned, acknowledged, recognized.ANTONYMS false, fraudulent.3 legitimate grounds for doubt: valid, sound, well-founded, justifiable,reasonable, sensible, just, fair, bona fide. ANTONYMS illegal.
Now, don't use "legit" in a situation where you would not use the word "legitimate." OkayGot it? Good.
That awkward moment when...

• someone gets a gagillion "likes" on a really generic status.
• someone announces they have a fatal disease via facebook.
• you get a new boyfriend and your friends send him facebook requests before you do.
• you go to the bathroom and realize you left your toothbrush at home and now have to use your finger.
• you ask a question that the teacher literally just gave the answer to.
• you forget the different between to, too, and two.
• you say something stupid right when someone with authority walks up behind you.
• your friends don't de-friend your boyfriend after you break up.
• you cough trying to cover up a laugh because you're the only one in class awake enough to realize what the professor just said could be turned into a really awesome "you're mom" joke.
• you get a good look at someone after knowing them for a long time and shout, "Your eyes are -insert color here-!" in the middle of a conversation.
• you realize you spent an hour doing the wrong homework assignment.
• you ask someone a question on facebook and they "like" it without answering.
• you realize the person with the weird facial expression in the background of that photo is actually you.
• your chair or shoe makes a farting noise so you try to recreate the noise so people will know it wasn't you but come up unsuccessful.
• you make a reference during a group discussion that no one else understands.
• you wave at someone or say hello and they pass by without noticing or hearing you.
• there's a sex scene in a movie you're watching with your parents.
• when the class is taking a test so it's dead silent and you hiccup/sneeze/make an absurdly loud noise and everyone turns to look at you.
• you go to stand up and leave but end up back in your seat because your bag strap got caught on your chair.
• you realize your text got redirected to the wrong person. 
• you use scandalous language on your FB profile and your mom/grandma/aunt/teacher comments on it.
• the professor says roll call and you realize your name isn't on the list.
• you show up to a classy function wearing the same outfit as someone else and must spend the night avoiding them.
• five minutes later you exclaim, "Oooh!" because you just understood the punch line.
• you say, "Awkwaaard..." and you're the only one who thinks it's awkward enough to point it out.

If you don't own a kneaded eraser, you should. You don't even have to use it to erase things. Just stretch it apart and play with it. It's a great stress reliever.

Okay. At this point I really just don't give a fuck about the Rockefeller family and their house. Seriously.

My ants look really good (: I'm excited about them.

My sissy Anna sent me a good pack of nice Crayola colored pencils so I can actually color now without using my good art supplies! I was really excited. Plus it meant that I got mail, which is always an exciting discovery. I love putting in the combination to my mailbox and opening it up and finding something in there. It's like finding buried treasure.

It got kind of chilly out today... I love fall, though (: Fall was when Evan and I first started really hanging out and talking. And late October was when he asked me out. It's my favorite time of year. Oh, and also I really love it when the leaves change. Especially once they fall and it's really dry and you rake them all together and jump in a big pile of them. That's the best... It reminds me of my great-grandmother. Fall also means apple cider and pumpkin carving and Halloween. ("H-a-double l-o-w-double e-n spells Halloween!") So, get excited!

I had a really nice Skype date with my BGGF (best gay guy friend) tonight. We discussed blippin' tricks and how "bate" sounds like the nasty, 15-year-old-boy slang term for "masturbate" because a mutual friend of ours decided that it was necessary for everyone else to know that they haven't don't that in a record amount of time... or something. Not that any of you needed to know that, either. But I thought I'd share.

I hope the fact that I incessantly text in bed doesn't keep my roommate awake. I don't think it does because sometimes she snores.

<3 kinsey.

padooglers and googlers

I know why people don't read my blog. It's because I don't have a topic. I don't blog about one specific topic that people just like to read about. I blog about my life, and apparently that's only interesting to people who know me. I guess it's not enough to just come up with (self-decidedly) clever observations. Unless you're famous. Then you can just write about whatever the hell you want because, well, you have lots of money and maybe a bit of talent.

I've been living with my eyes closed recently. I think I just... Well I'm home for the weekend. And you know how they say when one of your senses is impaired the other ones become sharper? For me, I've seen everything here already. So while I'm home, if I just close my eyes, my singing sounds a little better, Evan's kiss feels a bit deeper, summer smells a bit sweeter, and I can hear the breeze rustle leaves and almost feel cool just because I know it's there (even if it is nearly 100 degrees outside).

I've come to realize recently that if you truly in your heart of hearts don't want to believe in something, nothing can ever make you give in. You will always find fault after fault, even after your arguments become tired.

Last night I had a dream and in it I rapped something fierce. Bo Burnham was there. I told him he could use my stuff if he wanted to.

Tonight my boyfriend and I went to get Chinese for dinner and when we walked in there was a little boy behind the cash register. He was probably 8 or 9. And he was one of the most adorable things I've ever seen! He took our order and punched it in the computer and gave us our change and everything. He was very efficient and did it with a smile and afterwards his mother came out and he showed her that he'd done it correctly and you could just tell he was proud of himself. The best part of it, however, was that behind the register they had a couch where I assume the boy and his older brother chill in down time and on the couch was this book probably 3 or 4 inches thick... Pokémon: Platinum Version. An entire guide to Pokémon. It was so stereotypical, it was adorable. And then on the television they were streaming an anime show called Slam Dunk. And I'm not sure what language it was in, but it wasn't English. But the boy understood it. I heard him speak it with his older brother, too. But he also spoke really good English. I was very impressed with this young man. Anyway, it was cute.

I'm really excited about going back to school because my roommate has a combo VCR/DVD player hooked up to her television, so when I go back I'm taking my classic Disney VHS tapes with me and we're gonna have a party. (:

It was officially decided today: No one, male or female, should ever go commando.

I'm actually really afraid that one day I'm actually going to get to meet Bo Burnham and he's going to be nothing like how I think he is. Although I refuse to think that way. He seems really sincere and sweet. I know he tells people to shut up while he's on stage and whatnot, but I bet one-on-one he's really cool. I mean, who else can use the term "spastic fat chicks" and not sound demeaning even in the slightest? I've never written anyone fan mail, but I think I just might make an exception for Bo. I think he'd appreciate that, anyway, considering he's "all about words, words, words" and a handwritten letter, well, who doesn't like getting those in the mail?

You know, I'm really just kind of fooling myself into thinking I'm the only one that wants to sit down and actually have a conversation with him. I want to know what his favorite book is. Who his favorite poet is. If he likes playing guitar or piano more. I want to talk to him about religion and understand the details of why he doesn't believe in God anymore (or if he ever did). I'm sure there are a lot of other teenage fangirls out there who want to know these things and actually speak with him instead of just throwing themselves at him... right?

Bo, if you're reading this, I'm simple with one dimple, too. Except mine is on the opposite side of yours (I think). Only problem is, pizza and the internet aren't quite enough for me... I also need cupcakes. Red velvet or confetti cake, preferably.

For you readers out there who aren't Bo Burnham, you probably think I'm crazy for directly talking to Bo on the off chance that he ever reads this. But today, Aziz Ansari gave me hope, because he was brave enough to admit that even (and probably especially) stars Google their own names. I don't know how far into Google you'd have to go to find my blog pop up for Bo Burnham, but... It could happen?

1. boburnham.com -- opening line in red letters reads: CHECK OUT MY BLOG FOR UP TO DATE STUFF
2. click on blog link. *click*
3. top blog says: nonsense and F.A.Qs October 2nd, 2009


So, that's that. He did just do a tour in the UK this summer... I also found out that 2 years ago Bo came to Indianapolis for the Bob and Tom show and a secret Myspace show... And I didn't know about it. But! I've been in the Indianapolis airport many-a-time and that means Bo and I have most likely stepped at least, like, in the same vicinity. *insert awk fangirl scream here* I'm just kidding. Otherwise this would've just gotten really creepy...


I closed out of Safari just in time to need to pull it back up again because it occurred to me that 2 years ago, I wouldn't have been allowed at a Bo Burnham show even if I had know about it. You have to be 18 to attend shows that involve derogatory humor and openly abuse *cough* I mean use the word "fuck." Before that, you probably hear it every day of you life, anyway, but the rest of the world likes to pretend that you're sheltered from it all so they lock you out and tell you to fuck off... I mean go away.


Today my boyfriend's younger brother made up a word: padoogle. That's the noun. A padoogler and a padoogla are the titles given to people who do a padoogle. And "to padoogle" is the verb form... We're not really sure what it means. What we do know is that as a whole, it sounds like a couple poorly named Pokémon (although I'm sure Padoogle isn't in the Platinum Version Ultimate Guide). That or a really awk sex move involving some paper cranes and a tambourine.


So, I was going to just do a giant compilation of everything from this weekend in one big blog post, but this is already kind of long. So I'm just going to post it now. And write again tomorrow and Tuesday then probably post Tuesday night. If I find the time for it...


Tomorrow I have to draw myself like a dead president.


Stay classy, San Diego, and remember, the sun never sets on a bad ass.


<3 Kinsey

Yorubaland and the Cotton Candy Fountain

Today I realized that now that I'm in college, if I wear a hat people won't automatically assume it means I have some sort of gang affiliation.

Don't insult someone using their least favorite nickname if they knows yours in return.

What does it say of our society that it has me thinking I'm the fat one around here? What is that about? ... Anyway.

If you drop your underwear on the bathroom floor on the way out and the next and only person to go in there is your roommate? Go claim it as soon as possible. If you drop your underwear in the bathroom and a lot of people go in and out before anyone says anything, do not claim it. Just take the next opportunity you find to discretely drop it in the trash.

If you find a pair of earrings in the bathroom and their not yours or you roommate's and no one else that shares the bathroom with you claims them? Assume they were stolen. Or there's a phantom chick with missing a set of earrings using your bathroom.

If you forget your ID in your room, it is inevitable that when you go to retrieve it, it will be the only time when no one else is going in or out of the door you need your ID to get through. On the other hand, if you always have your ID on you, there will always be someone going or coming through that door and you will never actually need to use your ID to open the door.

Bo Burnham tweets: "Behold! Art!" to something creative he put together.
Everyone else replies: "Art is dead," and thinks they're the clever ones because that's one of his songs.

When you reduce yourself to literally staring at your screen and watching your Twitter feed instead of reading, you know you've reached a low point in the educational process. Good thing I got there early. Now I have the next 3 3/4 years to pick it up.

"You plus me is less than three (<3)
but me and you is less than 2
Because you've got me but I don't have you..."

I've worried all day that the part of my jeans where my thighs rub together is just going to rip open. Then I'll be in trouble.

I've tweeted and blogged more in the last 11 days since I've been here at college than I ever did when I actually had free time to Tweet and blog.

I guess I should probably actually read about the Rockefeller family now...

47/66 pages? That's 47 more pages than I thought I'd read, especially after I fell asleep on page 9...

... and I was so tired that I made it all the way to the Scramble Light before I realized I was headed for Burkhardt when I really needed to go to the Ball Building! -insert laugh track of random nerd groupies here-

Now it's time to explore the wonders of tribal art. Or at least the vocabulary associated with it.

Yorubaland. Yes. That is what my textbook said.

Well, that's enough of that for tonight.

Today I saw this guy and I immediately hated him because of his shirt. It basically looks like this picture on the right which, if you can't see it well, is a skinny girl and underneath is says, "YES," and on the right it's a fat girl and underneath it says, "NO." Well, this is the basic concept except the shirt I saw today said, "DEAL," under the skinny one and, "NO DEAL," under the fat one. And I was highly offended. I don't care if you only like skinny girls. That's fine. Some guys only dig big chicks, so it goes both ways. But you don't need to specify your preference on your shirt because, well, it just makes all the "fat" girls out there feel shitty. So congrats, dude. You're an asshole.

"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday... Everybody's looking forward to the weekend." I know I'm looking forward to the weekend, Rebecca! There's no doubt about that. I'm headed home this weekend. Gonna do some laundry and celebrate my brother's 8th birthday. Bounce Planet, here I come!

Sweet dreams, my dear reader(s).

Kinsey

to the point

"Shove it right up to the brink but don't go in because then you have no control and you'll have a huge mess on your hands. You have to balance the weight then slowly ease it into the hole then shove hard to get it those last few degrees up to full vertical. Plop. And it's in." - my art history teacher on the building of Stonehenge

I had to draw a self-portrait today using only contour lines. And let me tell you, I am more than just a couple lines. It was very difficult.

My roommate just told me I apparently need to actually do my homework... So I guess I have to do that now.

Yeah, this is enough for tonight.

art, ants, and another thing that starts with 'a'

Things are starting to pick up around here as far as work load goes. I have an art/ant assignment that the rough sketch is due for tomorrow (finished) and I have to do a self portrait using only contour lines... I'm gonna save that one for tomorrow. Tonight I still need to read the chapter in my text book about prehistoric art... Yay. (That is actually what I should be doing right now instead of writing this... But we all know how that goes.) At some point this week I have to get over to Bracken Library to read something for my Current US Issues class. I also have to choose a topic to give my Evidence Presentation speech in 2 weeks. (I'm thinking Spiderman vs Superman...) plus read 6 different chapters in my Fundamentals of Public Communications book. This is going to be interesting. I guess I'm actually going to have to start doing homework now that I'm in college.

I really don't want to draw the self portrait. For one thing, I don't think I'm self portrait worthy. For another, it's going to look even worse considering the fact that I can't use shading or value in any way. Just lines... It's going to be rough.

My shirt has a cat on it. With a sweatband. That says, "ART MARTYR." I kid you not.

I had some really good thoughts today. Now I forget them... I really need to start writing them down...

The left side of your brain wants to vote Republican and solve problems. The right side wants to vote Democrat and create art.

imma abrviate all my wrds. it makes me look rly dum, but it fits n a twitter post. #theimportantthingsinlife

I did write something, today! I think I shall share it with you all...

---

"Nerds"

A 50 minute lecture just started and I really need to go pee already. This is going to be a long, uncomfortable period. (Pun intended.) I'm already checking my watch. Bad sign. Dear Lord, please don't let this happen to me. It's only my second week.

---

I guess it all started when I was in kindergarten. -->bullies<-- That's right. Bullies are the reason I say things like, "I'm so warm," instead of, "I'm so hot."Bullies are the reason I eat quickly instead of picking my food into smaller pieces. But even as a kindergartener the bullying was just teasing. As a child, teasing is easy to laugh off because, hey! when you're 5 years old, everyone's friends with everyone.

So I guess 5th grade was the year I realized that there are people who are just flat out mean. For some it was still teasing. (I guess I was an easy target.) And considering the way I laughed much of it off and played along? Well, let's just say that didn't help my case much. Even so, looking back I'm sure there were at least two girls that year who genuinely meant to hurt me. They succeeded, so congrats to them, I suppose. At least that's something they accomplished in their lives. (Later one of them would claim is really was just all a joke. She had no idea it hurt my feelings so much to be the only one not invited along or included. She would befriend me later, when it suited her, saying that we'd always been friend, remember? The other would never say anything about it and I never asked. Neither response surprised me.)

It gets so tedious, reminding yourself day after day why bullies bully. But if you're me you do it anyway. You have to, because if you don't, a few years later when you find yourself shut up in your bathroom with all the lights off contemplating things you never thought in your life would ever even cross your mind, you might start falling even harder. So you remind yourself. Day in. Day out. Like a mantra.

Kinsey, bullies pick out your flaws so people don't pay attention to theirs. Bullies are just looking for attention because they don't get enough from the people they want it from. Bullies bully because they are the ones with low self-esteem. They don't think it's fair that they feel that way and want you to feel that way, too. Don't let them.

Well, my bullies got what they wanted. I never let them know that, but they did. My self esteem was crushed. Pummeled from a very young age. It still isn't right. There are days when I look at myself and think, "Why are people friends with you? I wouldn't be friends with you. I can't even look at you." I don't like to eat in cafeteria setting because I feel like everyone is watching me eat, wondering how I can possibly want more food when I'm already fat. Sometimes I don't like hanging out with my friends because all I can think is, "You're the fattest one here," and it goes around in my head again and again and every time I look around the room to affirm it the voice just gets louder.

I want out.

---

So, that's what I wrote today. 

I'm thinking about writing another story. I don't know if it'll be another short story or if it will expand into something longer... Longer, I think. I'll get back to you on that.

Right now it's nearly 11 pm. My roommate is in bed while I'm typing away at this keyboard. I still haven't done any of my reading, but we're just going to go over it in class tomorrow, so why waste my time now?

I think I'm starting to make some actual friends, though. People I sit and eat with instead of just sit next to in class. I think things might get better. At least, I'm praying for them to.

I think that's all I have for tonight. Much love.

Kinsey.

simple things

Nerds. Bo Burnham. Thanks for getting it.

I bought a CD today under the hassling of a friend. The kid who actually made the CD lives in my dorm. After being pestered basically all week to buy this CD, I figured it should be worth forking over 5 bucks. And it's pretty good, actually. I mean, it's not 100% my style. And there are parts of every song where I'm just kind of like, "Eh..." But as a whole, worth 5 bucks.


Now I have to go back and give him feedback at some point. Which means going all the way back across the dorm... Or hoping I see him on campus somewhere. Oh wellz.

So I think I'm really going to like foundations. We figured out today why we were supposed to observe ants. We have to create a little map using different types a lines for 3 different personalities. Should be interesting.

I love making silly stories up using only chat smilies on Skype. You should really try it some time.

I miss my friends... I want to see them.

I can't wait to go home this weekend. And sleep in my own bed. And see my family and all that jazz.

I really want to color in my "Nerds" drawing, but all I have are really expensive Prismacolor colored pencils...

My roommate is watching the Hannah Montana movie.

I will meet Bo Burnham one day. I don't confess to know him. But I want to know him. Because he seems like a really cool, interesting, chill guy. Though with all the art that goes on inside his head, I'm probably not worth too much of his time...  Or any of it for that matter.

"We Think We Know You." I will memorize the hand motions.

I don't have much else to say tonight. This one is kind of dull and not very angsty. Or Bo-filled (although there is a bit of Bo sprinkled in there.) Well... G'night.

Actually, a couple more things now that I've had my shower. One is, I love hot showers. And then at the very end I like it to be really really cold. When you do that, you get the same feeling as when you spend like, 30 minutes in a hot tub and then you go and jump in the lake at the very beginning of summer before the water's really warmed up yet and you scream as you jump in and it's freezing when you land and go under and you fight really fast to get back up and you take a huge breath when you break the surface and your teeth chatter and you fight to get to shore and get back to the hot tub but you know in 30 more minutes you're just going to go jump back in the lake...

I like appreciating the little things.

i got your back kid

If I had to make one self-centered wish, it would be to spend a day with Bo Burnham. I wouldn't even really need a day, actually. Just enough time to sit down and have a conversation with him. I want to know what goes on inside his head. (Though mind-reading has never been my first choice of superpower, I think I could make an exception.) Bo, if you ever read this, I'm sorry for being creepy. Don't lie. Even I think it's gotten kind of over-obsessed at this point. But I just can't help it...


I would really love to just be his friend, though. Even though he's an atheist and I'm a die-hard follower of Christ and he doesn't think he needs saving but I think he does... But I would never tell him that in my life because then we'd never be friends. But also more probably and less selfishly because I respect people who don’t believe what I believe. He obviously knows what he doesn’t believe and why and I won’t challenge him in that. 


Does that make me an awful Christian? I’m supposed to want to share my faith. And I do. But I also know when I’m beating a dead horse. And that people can perceive my sharing my faith with them as shoving it down their throats and that’s one of the main reasons people are turned off to Christianity because we say things like, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” and we shove that at them until they fall over and then they hate us for it.


Regardless, I need to get over this guy I’ve never met who would probably never even give me a second glance. Because I’m just like all his other fans. Especially all of his other girl fans. Except a lot of them are probably a lot prettier than me. Though I don't see Bo as a shallow person, I think we all are. At least a little bit.


I think my boyfriend is starting to hate Bo Burnham because of the extent to which I adore him. But here I am at college and all jumbled (if you read my post "oh bo..." you'll know what I'm talking about) and Bo is there... And it's so difficult to be away from Evan and be surrounded by single people at the same time and not question some things. And because it’s difficult to be away from him it makes me think that I really don’t love him as much as I ought to or think I do. And sometimes I think I’m just keeping around until I find someone who likes more of what I like, like art and poetry and literature.  But I’m also afraid that if I find someone that I think will be a better fit and he turns out not to be anything Evan has ever been, I’ll hate the other guy and myself. And I owe more to Evan than just keeping him around until someone else comes along. But I don’t think that’s what I’m doing. I don’t think. Maybe subconsciously?


And that all makes me feel like an ugly human being. I hate this. I hate this. I want this to stop. This circling in my head. It won’t stop and it just keeps pounding and shit… 


If I say something that you relate to, I’ve done my purpose. But if you say something that relates to me, if you get it all too, then I’m no longer unique. I want to say things to make people out there get it. So when they already do, I don’t know how to react. Cause a lot of the time in my mind, no one else gets it. Gah!


The smell of popcorn is wafting through my dorm room and “9” is on the title menu now. I shall be watching it alone tonight. Yay me.


I’m a little pathetic, you know that? All I do is school, then I check my DeviantArt account. Then FaceBook. Then Twitter. Then my blog. And the entire time all I do is wait for someone to reply to make me feel that writing all those things and taking those pictures was worth my time and that it wasn’t just for me. Because putting all of my thoughts out there on my blog like that makes me feel important. It makes me feel brave to have them floating out in cyberspace where anyone could stumble across and read them. Even Bo Burnham could one day Google his own name and end up at my blog.


But all that waiting around for some form of acknowledgement makes me a little bit narcissistic. A little too caught up in modern culture. In myself. And that makes me sad. I don’t want to base my self worth on if people comment on my blog or not. I want to do things because they increase my self worth without the approval of others. But I get so confused sometimes...


And you know, if we can write lies and tell lies and live lies, then how in the world do we ever know what to believe? I  hope you don’t think that any of what I’ve written here was a lie. It’s the truth. The awful, pitiful, egotistic, heartbreaking truth. And I hate it. No, I can’t handle the truth. Not even my own. 


I hope that at some point someone reads this and thinks what I have to say is worth their time. Perhaps. Who knows. I don’t. Oh well. I guess I have to let that go.


It get's really lonely here. A large percent of my friends are together at another college and seeing them all together like that, getting ready to go to a party on a Saturday night while I sit alone in my room for the second night in a row makes me feel really lonely. Then you take the fact that they're all already together and add to it that they've made a couple new friends already... It's a bit overwhelming. And easy to feel like I'm being replaced. But that's just me feeling sorry for myself.


Don't get me wrong. My friends are not replacing me and I know that. I also know that they miss me just as much as I miss them. It's just difficult when they're all together because all of us have spent the better part of the last 5 years together so I feel really out of place without them. I don't feel like I fit in here yet. I'm having a really difficult time making friends. Everyone in my hall already has all these little clicks and I don't fit in to any of them. There are a couple people that I talk to, but I don't hang out with them, you know? Like, they're my "class friends." Maybe it's because it's the first week...


The point of this is not to make people feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I want. I'm just journalling, basically. Since nearly no one but me reads this, I might as well say what I feel.


But back to the friends thing. One experience I've had so far? The first night here I ended up playing Taboo with a group of girls. The next day there was an Honors House picnic and I saw one of the girls I met the night before and due to some unspoken thing we sat together for lunch. At one point she looks over and says, "Is your watch on upside down?"
Me: No.
Her: Then how do you tell time on it?
Me: Well, even though it doesn't have any dots, I just get used to where the hands are.
Her: Well, I like these things, they're called 'digital watches' and they have the numbers right their for you.


...


That is not how we make friends.


"Nerds. The Faggots. The spastic fat chicks who sit in the back with no one to do their labs with. The kid with acne and tons of Proactiv packed inside his backpack. I got your back kid..."


On the upside of things, I love my roommate. I'm really glad that I got roomed with her. I've met some of the girls I thought about rooming with and... I don't know if I could have been their roommates. Maybe Krystal's. She's really sweet. But this one girl, I went to meet her, and the first time I saw her she opened her door and was preparing to go to a sorority house party... I don't know that that would have worked out.


Anyway, because I've been feeling so angsty recently, my emotions opened the way to some pretty raw poetry. So. Here goes.

If my childhood dies

Just sink me in a stream

Any stream I think will do the trick

Because sometimes I feel (I know)

This world's a little sick

And I'm a little sick

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Sick of being un-unique

Sick of walking down the street

And waving to people that I meet

Who pass me by just the same

Cause yesterday they forgot my name

Which is probably all just as well, 'cause

Though in my chest the tightness swells

I thank God that they forgot my face

Just another human in the race

Looking for a place in the race

And looking to place

Cause good guys finish last

So I'll take my time and let you pass

And just lie down here in this grass

And if you can write a little lie

And get away with white lies

And you're life's a web of lies

Then why don't we all just lie

Lie down, down, down on the the ground

Next to the stream in which I'll drown

If my childhood ever dies

And that part inside me cries

Because I know it's already turning blue

Lack of oxygen, lack of art, too

Lack of self-esteem, of faith in me and you

Cause I'm so far away these days

And like a dog that's told to stay

You sit at home and you remain

While I'm here in this giant game

Being tossed and rolled like a lonesome die

A die in the middle of "Two Truths and a Lie"

I don't belong and I don't know why

I'm here and the thoughts don't stop

Twirling, twisting like a top

An egotistic top who wants to stop

But at the same time wants this dizzy blur

'Cause for once it means it's all about her

And what she's doing 'cause no one's sure

And neither is she. I mean, neither am I

Maybe at the end it's a great big tie

With the entire human race

But put of that all aside

The suspense is fierce and it's free

I hope it lasts ('cause it's killing me)

A pinch of bipolar and a dash of pathetic

(Any stream will do the trick)

A cup of cowardice makes it thick

But narcissism makes it stick

To think this recipe is worth your time

Just because it took some of mine

And these words are mine

And these thoughts are mine

But I'm sure they've been said and thought before

I turned around and they locked the door

And there goes my childhood's final score

(I'll sing you mine if you sing me yours)

I can hear it crying, crying till it makes a stream

So lie in the lies and dream sweet dreams

Because this lie, this game, is exactly as it seems

And there it went.