i got your back kid

If I had to make one self-centered wish, it would be to spend a day with Bo Burnham. I wouldn't even really need a day, actually. Just enough time to sit down and have a conversation with him. I want to know what goes on inside his head. (Though mind-reading has never been my first choice of superpower, I think I could make an exception.) Bo, if you ever read this, I'm sorry for being creepy. Don't lie. Even I think it's gotten kind of over-obsessed at this point. But I just can't help it...


I would really love to just be his friend, though. Even though he's an atheist and I'm a die-hard follower of Christ and he doesn't think he needs saving but I think he does... But I would never tell him that in my life because then we'd never be friends. But also more probably and less selfishly because I respect people who don’t believe what I believe. He obviously knows what he doesn’t believe and why and I won’t challenge him in that. 


Does that make me an awful Christian? I’m supposed to want to share my faith. And I do. But I also know when I’m beating a dead horse. And that people can perceive my sharing my faith with them as shoving it down their throats and that’s one of the main reasons people are turned off to Christianity because we say things like, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” and we shove that at them until they fall over and then they hate us for it.


Regardless, I need to get over this guy I’ve never met who would probably never even give me a second glance. Because I’m just like all his other fans. Especially all of his other girl fans. Except a lot of them are probably a lot prettier than me. Though I don't see Bo as a shallow person, I think we all are. At least a little bit.


I think my boyfriend is starting to hate Bo Burnham because of the extent to which I adore him. But here I am at college and all jumbled (if you read my post "oh bo..." you'll know what I'm talking about) and Bo is there... And it's so difficult to be away from Evan and be surrounded by single people at the same time and not question some things. And because it’s difficult to be away from him it makes me think that I really don’t love him as much as I ought to or think I do. And sometimes I think I’m just keeping around until I find someone who likes more of what I like, like art and poetry and literature.  But I’m also afraid that if I find someone that I think will be a better fit and he turns out not to be anything Evan has ever been, I’ll hate the other guy and myself. And I owe more to Evan than just keeping him around until someone else comes along. But I don’t think that’s what I’m doing. I don’t think. Maybe subconsciously?


And that all makes me feel like an ugly human being. I hate this. I hate this. I want this to stop. This circling in my head. It won’t stop and it just keeps pounding and shit… 


If I say something that you relate to, I’ve done my purpose. But if you say something that relates to me, if you get it all too, then I’m no longer unique. I want to say things to make people out there get it. So when they already do, I don’t know how to react. Cause a lot of the time in my mind, no one else gets it. Gah!


The smell of popcorn is wafting through my dorm room and “9” is on the title menu now. I shall be watching it alone tonight. Yay me.


I’m a little pathetic, you know that? All I do is school, then I check my DeviantArt account. Then FaceBook. Then Twitter. Then my blog. And the entire time all I do is wait for someone to reply to make me feel that writing all those things and taking those pictures was worth my time and that it wasn’t just for me. Because putting all of my thoughts out there on my blog like that makes me feel important. It makes me feel brave to have them floating out in cyberspace where anyone could stumble across and read them. Even Bo Burnham could one day Google his own name and end up at my blog.


But all that waiting around for some form of acknowledgement makes me a little bit narcissistic. A little too caught up in modern culture. In myself. And that makes me sad. I don’t want to base my self worth on if people comment on my blog or not. I want to do things because they increase my self worth without the approval of others. But I get so confused sometimes...


And you know, if we can write lies and tell lies and live lies, then how in the world do we ever know what to believe? I  hope you don’t think that any of what I’ve written here was a lie. It’s the truth. The awful, pitiful, egotistic, heartbreaking truth. And I hate it. No, I can’t handle the truth. Not even my own. 


I hope that at some point someone reads this and thinks what I have to say is worth their time. Perhaps. Who knows. I don’t. Oh well. I guess I have to let that go.


It get's really lonely here. A large percent of my friends are together at another college and seeing them all together like that, getting ready to go to a party on a Saturday night while I sit alone in my room for the second night in a row makes me feel really lonely. Then you take the fact that they're all already together and add to it that they've made a couple new friends already... It's a bit overwhelming. And easy to feel like I'm being replaced. But that's just me feeling sorry for myself.


Don't get me wrong. My friends are not replacing me and I know that. I also know that they miss me just as much as I miss them. It's just difficult when they're all together because all of us have spent the better part of the last 5 years together so I feel really out of place without them. I don't feel like I fit in here yet. I'm having a really difficult time making friends. Everyone in my hall already has all these little clicks and I don't fit in to any of them. There are a couple people that I talk to, but I don't hang out with them, you know? Like, they're my "class friends." Maybe it's because it's the first week...


The point of this is not to make people feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I want. I'm just journalling, basically. Since nearly no one but me reads this, I might as well say what I feel.


But back to the friends thing. One experience I've had so far? The first night here I ended up playing Taboo with a group of girls. The next day there was an Honors House picnic and I saw one of the girls I met the night before and due to some unspoken thing we sat together for lunch. At one point she looks over and says, "Is your watch on upside down?"
Me: No.
Her: Then how do you tell time on it?
Me: Well, even though it doesn't have any dots, I just get used to where the hands are.
Her: Well, I like these things, they're called 'digital watches' and they have the numbers right their for you.


...


That is not how we make friends.


"Nerds. The Faggots. The spastic fat chicks who sit in the back with no one to do their labs with. The kid with acne and tons of Proactiv packed inside his backpack. I got your back kid..."


On the upside of things, I love my roommate. I'm really glad that I got roomed with her. I've met some of the girls I thought about rooming with and... I don't know if I could have been their roommates. Maybe Krystal's. She's really sweet. But this one girl, I went to meet her, and the first time I saw her she opened her door and was preparing to go to a sorority house party... I don't know that that would have worked out.


Anyway, because I've been feeling so angsty recently, my emotions opened the way to some pretty raw poetry. So. Here goes.

If my childhood dies

Just sink me in a stream

Any stream I think will do the trick

Because sometimes I feel (I know)

This world's a little sick

And I'm a little sick

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Sick of being un-unique

Sick of walking down the street

And waving to people that I meet

Who pass me by just the same

Cause yesterday they forgot my name

Which is probably all just as well, 'cause

Though in my chest the tightness swells

I thank God that they forgot my face

Just another human in the race

Looking for a place in the race

And looking to place

Cause good guys finish last

So I'll take my time and let you pass

And just lie down here in this grass

And if you can write a little lie

And get away with white lies

And you're life's a web of lies

Then why don't we all just lie

Lie down, down, down on the the ground

Next to the stream in which I'll drown

If my childhood ever dies

And that part inside me cries

Because I know it's already turning blue

Lack of oxygen, lack of art, too

Lack of self-esteem, of faith in me and you

Cause I'm so far away these days

And like a dog that's told to stay

You sit at home and you remain

While I'm here in this giant game

Being tossed and rolled like a lonesome die

A die in the middle of "Two Truths and a Lie"

I don't belong and I don't know why

I'm here and the thoughts don't stop

Twirling, twisting like a top

An egotistic top who wants to stop

But at the same time wants this dizzy blur

'Cause for once it means it's all about her

And what she's doing 'cause no one's sure

And neither is she. I mean, neither am I

Maybe at the end it's a great big tie

With the entire human race

But put of that all aside

The suspense is fierce and it's free

I hope it lasts ('cause it's killing me)

A pinch of bipolar and a dash of pathetic

(Any stream will do the trick)

A cup of cowardice makes it thick

But narcissism makes it stick

To think this recipe is worth your time

Just because it took some of mine

And these words are mine

And these thoughts are mine

But I'm sure they've been said and thought before

I turned around and they locked the door

And there goes my childhood's final score

(I'll sing you mine if you sing me yours)

I can hear it crying, crying till it makes a stream

So lie in the lies and dream sweet dreams

Because this lie, this game, is exactly as it seems

And there it went.