oh bo...

So. I'm so torn. And I know no one else will understand.


But I'm in love.


Yes, I said it. I'm in love. With a boy. And his name is Bo Burnham.


If you haven't heard of him, go youtube him. (I'm actually listening to him right now.) Unless you are easily offended or take things personally or are a minority who likes to play the racist card or... Well, if you're white, go listen to him.


Seriously, though. My freshman year of high school, my friend showed me a video by this kid, and I think I knew then that he was everything I wanted. (Evan, if you're reading this, I didn't know you then, and I'm sorry.) He was a tall, scrawny, white kid who played piano and guitar, sang (well, I might add), made me laugh, and wasn't afraid to be politically incorrect or offensive. Genius. (And now as a freshman in college I actually understand 95% of what he alludes to in his music! Hooray for learning!)


So, like I said. Freshman year I listened to him. And for the next few years every once in a while I just needed a good laugh that only Bo could bring about. Then recently, I rediscovered him and his new material and since then I've been overwhelmingly taken by him. Maybe it's because I'm older now and actually understand just how ingenious he really is because I can appreciate that fact that he's not only clever, but well read and informed. Maybe it's because he's kind of like a fictional character, a celebrity it's okay to fawn over because I know he'll never be mine (which is just fine with me because I have a wonderful boyfriend now. Love you, Evan <3). Maybe it's because he's still a tall, scrawny, white kid who plays guitar and piano, sings well, makes me laugh, and isn't afraid to be politically incorrect or offensive. It's most likely a combination of all three.


But most of all, I just appreciate him. He has a knack I think a lot of people want. I was recently told that talent is mostly just busting your ass. Bo knows what he wants. From what I've read, he always has. And he worked for it and got what he wanted and now he's doing what he loves. And I commend him for that.


I'm also intensely jealous.


I'm a freshman in college. I keep telling people I want to study visual communications. And I do, I think. But mostly I just want to know what I want. I want to know who I am and not be afraid to be just that. People keep telling me it's okay to not know right now. I'm only 18. But Bo was 18 (for only a few days, actually) when he became the youngest person in history to record a special for comedy central. He's only 3 years older than I am and is touring, preforming his comedy skit.


I want that. No, not the touring and the comedy skit. But I want to know what I love and be good at it. I want to bring something refreshing into the world like Bo does with his raw humor. I want people to appreciate what I do because I'm good at it. I want to feel unique and like I actually add something to this world. 


I'm only a freshman in college, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to embrace my quirks and my awkward and enjoy just being me. But it's so difficult. I watched the comedy troop Second City last night. They came to my college and did a performance. I laughed incredibly hard and loved the entire thing. But I couldn't help but think this: On stage, it's okay for them to act ridiculous because they're actors and it's what people except from them. But, if they were students on campus who acted like that, they'd be the outcasts. It would be completely socially unacceptable. This is why it's so difficult.


But I'm working on it. And listening to Bo along the way for inspiration and a reminder that it's okay to be myself and be ridiculous because one day, people will appreciate it. And perhaps if I'm just, well, me, other people will want that, too. And I think that would make the world a better place.


I've though about this a lot and I really want to tell Bo that he's been an inspiration to me, as corny as it sounds. I've been trying to figure out how to say it without being a creeper. Posting on his FaceBook wall? Creep. But commenting on something he posts? That just makes me one of 147,689 other fans that felt they had something to say that was worth Bo's time. (Not that I'm saying what I have to say to him is more or less worth his time than what anyone else has to say except, well... it kinda is... jk. But seriously.) I tried to tweet him, but you can't get this across in 140 characters or less, especially when 10 of those precious characters are taken up by simply tagging him in it. I also posted on his YouTube wall, but I couldn't say what I really wanted to...


So I just wrote this blog. Which he'll probably never read because I'm a coward and don't have the lady balls to send it to him somehow.


But Bo, if you ever read this for some crazy reason, please know that I love you in the least creepy interpretation of the word. Love as in admire. To an intense degree that I'm completely overwhelmed by. I hope you don't think I'm creepy now. That's the last thing I wanted, but, much like "My Whole Family..." this blog has most likely been completely counterproductive...


Peace out.


Kinsey.