art, ants, and another thing that starts with 'a'

Things are starting to pick up around here as far as work load goes. I have an art/ant assignment that the rough sketch is due for tomorrow (finished) and I have to do a self portrait using only contour lines... I'm gonna save that one for tomorrow. Tonight I still need to read the chapter in my text book about prehistoric art... Yay. (That is actually what I should be doing right now instead of writing this... But we all know how that goes.) At some point this week I have to get over to Bracken Library to read something for my Current US Issues class. I also have to choose a topic to give my Evidence Presentation speech in 2 weeks. (I'm thinking Spiderman vs Superman...) plus read 6 different chapters in my Fundamentals of Public Communications book. This is going to be interesting. I guess I'm actually going to have to start doing homework now that I'm in college.

I really don't want to draw the self portrait. For one thing, I don't think I'm self portrait worthy. For another, it's going to look even worse considering the fact that I can't use shading or value in any way. Just lines... It's going to be rough.

My shirt has a cat on it. With a sweatband. That says, "ART MARTYR." I kid you not.

I had some really good thoughts today. Now I forget them... I really need to start writing them down...

The left side of your brain wants to vote Republican and solve problems. The right side wants to vote Democrat and create art.

imma abrviate all my wrds. it makes me look rly dum, but it fits n a twitter post. #theimportantthingsinlife

I did write something, today! I think I shall share it with you all...

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"Nerds"

A 50 minute lecture just started and I really need to go pee already. This is going to be a long, uncomfortable period. (Pun intended.) I'm already checking my watch. Bad sign. Dear Lord, please don't let this happen to me. It's only my second week.

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I guess it all started when I was in kindergarten. -->bullies<-- That's right. Bullies are the reason I say things like, "I'm so warm," instead of, "I'm so hot."Bullies are the reason I eat quickly instead of picking my food into smaller pieces. But even as a kindergartener the bullying was just teasing. As a child, teasing is easy to laugh off because, hey! when you're 5 years old, everyone's friends with everyone.

So I guess 5th grade was the year I realized that there are people who are just flat out mean. For some it was still teasing. (I guess I was an easy target.) And considering the way I laughed much of it off and played along? Well, let's just say that didn't help my case much. Even so, looking back I'm sure there were at least two girls that year who genuinely meant to hurt me. They succeeded, so congrats to them, I suppose. At least that's something they accomplished in their lives. (Later one of them would claim is really was just all a joke. She had no idea it hurt my feelings so much to be the only one not invited along or included. She would befriend me later, when it suited her, saying that we'd always been friend, remember? The other would never say anything about it and I never asked. Neither response surprised me.)

It gets so tedious, reminding yourself day after day why bullies bully. But if you're me you do it anyway. You have to, because if you don't, a few years later when you find yourself shut up in your bathroom with all the lights off contemplating things you never thought in your life would ever even cross your mind, you might start falling even harder. So you remind yourself. Day in. Day out. Like a mantra.

Kinsey, bullies pick out your flaws so people don't pay attention to theirs. Bullies are just looking for attention because they don't get enough from the people they want it from. Bullies bully because they are the ones with low self-esteem. They don't think it's fair that they feel that way and want you to feel that way, too. Don't let them.

Well, my bullies got what they wanted. I never let them know that, but they did. My self esteem was crushed. Pummeled from a very young age. It still isn't right. There are days when I look at myself and think, "Why are people friends with you? I wouldn't be friends with you. I can't even look at you." I don't like to eat in cafeteria setting because I feel like everyone is watching me eat, wondering how I can possibly want more food when I'm already fat. Sometimes I don't like hanging out with my friends because all I can think is, "You're the fattest one here," and it goes around in my head again and again and every time I look around the room to affirm it the voice just gets louder.

I want out.

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So, that's what I wrote today. 

I'm thinking about writing another story. I don't know if it'll be another short story or if it will expand into something longer... Longer, I think. I'll get back to you on that.

Right now it's nearly 11 pm. My roommate is in bed while I'm typing away at this keyboard. I still haven't done any of my reading, but we're just going to go over it in class tomorrow, so why waste my time now?

I think I'm starting to make some actual friends, though. People I sit and eat with instead of just sit next to in class. I think things might get better. At least, I'm praying for them to.

I think that's all I have for tonight. Much love.

Kinsey.