A Letter to a Boy I Love

Dear Evan,

I miss you. Every day I miss you. I can’t function without being reminded of you. I see couples holding hands, and hear music, and dream, and I think of you. I wake up thinking about you. I spend my days thinking about you. I go to sleep thinking about you. Most nights you’re in my dreams.

I think about how much I love you just as much now as I did when we were together. The fact that I can still love you after how totally you shattered my world and have since dropped me from your life completely is only a testament to how I feel about you. I pray for you every night. For your happiness. Because in my heart I still feel that we’re supposed to be together. And until God tells me differently, that’s what I’ll continue to believe.

Despite still being in love with you, I’m not going to wait for you. I’m not going to sit around and be miserable because you don’t know yet that we belong together. I’m going to try to move on. It won’t happen today or tomorrow. Maybe it won’t happen any time soon at all. But it will happen. I can’t wait for someone who doesn’t want me, regardless of how much I may love them.

You were my first love, Evan. My first kiss. My first of many things. I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever forget. Even when I move on, I feel that a part of me will always love you because… Well, how could it not? You were and are so important to me. You were involved in such an important time in my life and I love(d) you for that. I even sort of love you for leaving me, because despite everything, I think you might have believed it was best for me, too.

But for now I miss you desperately. It’s physically exhausting to miss you as much as I do. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice saying you love me. I miss pulling on your jacket and feeling like the only two people in the world. I miss you holding my hand on long car rides. I miss you laying with me until I fall asleep then tucking me in and kissing me goodbye late at night. I even miss our tickle fights. And despite how terribly I wish you happiness, I also pray that in the midst of your days, you think about and miss me, too.

I am someone who deserves to be missed. I am beautiful and smart and talented and funny and creative. I love fiercely, even if I don’t always know how to express it in the best way. And I’m sorry for pushing you away sometimes. I’m sorry for picking fights and being difficult. I’m sorry for treating you like a child. I’m sorry that my disease manifested itself in our relationship, because I promise you, that’s not how I wanted things to be.

What I want you to know is that you made me happy, even when I wasn’t a happy person. It wasn’t because you didn’t make me happy, but because my disease made it impossible for me to be happy. Remember when I said that I’m not naturally a happy person? That I have to work to be happy every day? That wasn’t a lie. Every moment was a struggle between what I knew and how I felt. So when you made an immature joke and I snapped at you instead of laughing, it wasn’t because it wasn’t funny. It was because no matter how much I knew in my head that it was funny, no matter how much I thought, “Kinsey, this is wrong. You should be laughing,” I couldn’t make myself feelthat. But at the end of the day the one thing I did know was that I loved you and you deserved more than what I could be.

And then when you got sad… You got so sad, Evan. And I couldn’t bear it. And I know that you needed me to be strong. And I know that you needed me to just be there for you, or give you your space. I know that, but just like everything else, no matter how much I knew it, I couldn’t make myself feel it. So instead of being what you needed, I fell apart and complained that you weren’t treating me the way I wanted you to. But I knew better than anyone that sadness prevents you from acting normal. It makes everything difficult. But I was consumed so entirely by my own sadness, I couldn’t be what you needed. And for that I am truly sorry.

But I’m so much better now. I wish you could see how much better I am. I can react rationally and I’m silly almost all the time. I could be what you needed now, Evan. Remember when we would have good days? Days when I would laugh and tickle back and joke around? Just, good days? Every day could be a good day, now. I just know it… I wish you would’ve stuck around to see that. To see how I am now. To see that I’ve gained myself back. Because I have.

The sad thing is, even with the medication, I still have days. Not because people annoy me or I’m depressed, but because I miss you. With my whole soul I miss you. I don’t know how many times I can say that, but it’s true. I can feel it open up inside me, the weight of your absence. I have medicine that makes me happy, that brings out the happy person I always knew I was but couldn’t be. And yet I’m still so sad. I try not to be, but I can’t always prevent it. You really toppled my world, Evan.

I hope you miss me, because I miss you. And because I want to be someone worth missing. I’m one of a kind, and I know you loved me, maybe more than I loved you at times. I don’t know where that love went, but I know I still feel it. I find it hard to believe that you don’t love me at all anymore. I hope when you pass me on the sidewalk you still think, “Wow, she’s beautiful.” I hope you hear songs and think of me and have to change it because you wish I was there.

As much as I hate this for your sake, I honestly believe you will never find someone who loves you as much as I do. Not because you aren’t someone worth loving, but because of the extent and the way in which I love you. I love your flaws and your quirks and your habits and the way you say my name and how you are with kids. I love you, and I believe my love for you is truly unconditional. How else could I still love you, really, truly, honestly love you, after everything you’ve put me through?

I genuinely believed our love could withstand anything, after everything we went through. You used to love me that way, too. You used to be so sure about it. More sure than me. Every time I tried to push you away, you pulled me back. You reminded me how much you loved me, and made me believe that nothing could stop that.

Maybe one day you will love me that way again. Maybe one day, one, or two, or five years down the road, you’ll look around you and remember me. You’ll hear a song on your iPod or find the box of my stuff you packed away in your closet. And maybe then you’ll think, “I shouldn’t have let her go.”

If and until that day arrives, I hope you find what makes you happy so you can be yourself again. I hope you know that despite everything, I’m still here if you ever need me, even if it’s just as a friend.

Love,
Kinsey

long time no sleep

It's a quarter to 2 in the morning and I just painted my fingernails. In case you're wondering, the color is a rust orange, kinda, but prettier. It's called "Cross Iron" by China Glaze. It's one of the several polishes I got for Christmas. I also go "Meet Me at the Met" and "Art Dealer Teal-er". So, that's cool.

Basically, I haven't even been on this site since October. As I said in my last post, Tumblr is my new thing. It's kind of an obsession. But, on top of Tumblr taking over my life, I really just haven't had that much to talk about. I made some real friends at school. I'm not feeling lonely any more. I'm still losing weight. Basically, I've just generally been happier.

It's a funny thing I've observed throughout the years, but the happier I am, the less I seem to write. Or the harder it is to write. Or the less I have to write about... However you want to put it. The bottom line is that I write more/it's easier to write/I have more to write about when I'm sad or lonely or on the verge of depression. But recently, I haven't been any of those things. Which, I suppose, is a good thing for me and the people around me. I enjoy being happy. I mean, who doesn't? On the other hand, I do quite miss sitting down and writing out my feelings. Happy feelings, in case you've never experienced this on your own, are more difficult to express in words then sad feelings.

But tonight, alas, I am restless. Literally. I laid in bed and rolled around until I admitted to myself that there's just no way I'm getting to sleep any time soon (or potentially at all) tonight. I was restless last night, too, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm just subconsciously over-excited and/or anxious to start another semester of college. Maybe I have a lot on my mind. That's probably it... I have a lot on my mind, I just don't quite know what it all is. What's on my mind, I mean.

Right now what I do know is that my eye itches in the insane way certain parts of your body itch when you shave to the skin and then let it grow out to a particular point. (Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.) And the itch is super persistent... I went to the loo to look in a mirror, but I didn't see anything. With my luck, I'm getting pink eye.

I also know that my boyfriend has school tomorrow. Thus, I cannot bother him with bothersome texts that shall keep him up until the wee hours of the morn.

I don't know why I just used words like "loo" and "morn," but I did, so deal.

I think that for once in my life, my nail polish dried without fingerprints or caverns or jagged edges in the paint. I'm pretty excited about that. (Oh, the little things...)

So, I'm going to confide something in you, internet, and hope that you don't care, or that you at least get a good laugh. But recently I've been thinking about marriage. A lot. I know, I'm 18 and that's silly. But hear me out. I haven't been thinking about marriage as in already planning my wedding or even wanting to get married any time soon. I already know I want to wait to graduate college before I go wed myself off to someone. But the other thing is, I know quite a few people getting married in the near future. So, it's natural that at this moment in my life I should think about marriage.

I want to get married. I can't wait to get married. I've always wanted to get married and have a family. Like I said, I'm going to wait. But it's still something I want. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years now and although he can be a pain (as most men can) he really is, what I believe to be, the love of my life. I can't see a future without him. And I know that at 18 that sounds love-sick-puppy-ish, but I'm being serious. He's the first and only boyfriend I've ever had, and we've dealt with a lot of things and I don't see us giving up on our relationship now. Honestly, I don't know what could be big enough to get in the way of us being together. (Unless of course we really don't make it through next December.)

I want to marry him someday, and I know he wants to marry me. I want to wake up next to him in the morning and fall asleep in his arms at night. I've always wanted that, with someone. But now when I think about it, it's with him, not just some random future daydream guy who will one day be replaced with my real husband. I love him and that's all there is to it.

The other thing on my mind recently is what to do with my hair. I haven't cut it since August and I haven't dyed it since October or something like that.... I'm letting it grow out but it's killing me to not dye it. Hair dye is seriously an addiction and it's really bothering me that it's so dull right now. I want to dye it crazy colors while I'm still young and it's acceptable to do so. I'm thinking once I get it grown out a little longer, I'm going to do a fade on the tips and then dye them teal. I think that would look pretty sweet.

Anyway, the real reason I'm on here is because It's now a little after 2 a.m. and I legitimately can't sleep. I'm texting my long-lost-sister from Alabama about potentially visiting her during my spring break, but that's probably not going to happen... I'm also thinking about all the friends I'm going to miss when I head back to college. I got to see them all over this break, but it's not enough. Not when I'm used to seeing them every day in high school...

Anyway, I might try to lay down and sleep again. I'm quite tired, but that doesn't mean anything these days. If sleep doesn't want to come, it won't.

Much love,
Kinsey

PS- Bo Burnham is giving a show in Michigan the weekend of my birthday. I want to go.
PPS- You thought I was going to go a post without mentioning him, right? Well, I hope you didn't place bets. I haven't forgotten (;