Dear Evan,
I miss you. Every day I miss you. I can’t function without being reminded of you. I see couples holding hands, and hear music, and dream, and I think of you. I wake up thinking about you. I spend my days thinking about you. I go to sleep thinking about you. Most nights you’re in my dreams.
I think about how much I love you just as much now as I did when we were together. The fact that I can still love you after how totally you shattered my world and have since dropped me from your life completely is only a testament to how I feel about you. I pray for you every night. For your happiness. Because in my heart I still feel that we’re supposed to be together. And until God tells me differently, that’s what I’ll continue to believe.
Despite still being in love with you, I’m not going to wait for you. I’m not going to sit around and be miserable because you don’t know yet that we belong together. I’m going to try to move on. It won’t happen today or tomorrow. Maybe it won’t happen any time soon at all. But it will happen. I can’t wait for someone who doesn’t want me, regardless of how much I may love them.
You were my first love, Evan. My first kiss. My first of many things. I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever forget. Even when I move on, I feel that a part of me will always love you because… Well, how could it not? You were and are so important to me. You were involved in such an important time in my life and I love(d) you for that. I even sort of love you for leaving me, because despite everything, I think you might have believed it was best for me, too.
But for now I miss you desperately. It’s physically exhausting to miss you as much as I do. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice saying you love me. I miss pulling on your jacket and feeling like the only two people in the world. I miss you holding my hand on long car rides. I miss you laying with me until I fall asleep then tucking me in and kissing me goodbye late at night. I even miss our tickle fights. And despite how terribly I wish you happiness, I also pray that in the midst of your days, you think about and miss me, too.
I am someone who deserves to be missed. I am beautiful and smart and talented and funny and creative. I love fiercely, even if I don’t always know how to express it in the best way. And I’m sorry for pushing you away sometimes. I’m sorry for picking fights and being difficult. I’m sorry for treating you like a child. I’m sorry that my disease manifested itself in our relationship, because I promise you, that’s not how I wanted things to be.
What I want you to know is that you made me happy, even when I wasn’t a happy person. It wasn’t because you didn’t make me happy, but because my disease made it impossible for me to be happy. Remember when I said that I’m not naturally a happy person? That I have to work to be happy every day? That wasn’t a lie. Every moment was a struggle between what I knew and how I felt. So when you made an immature joke and I snapped at you instead of laughing, it wasn’t because it wasn’t funny. It was because no matter how much I knew in my head that it was funny, no matter how much I thought, “Kinsey, this is wrong. You should be laughing,” I couldn’t make myself feelthat. But at the end of the day the one thing I did know was that I loved you and you deserved more than what I could be.
And then when you got sad… You got so sad, Evan. And I couldn’t bear it. And I know that you needed me to be strong. And I know that you needed me to just be there for you, or give you your space. I know that, but just like everything else, no matter how much I knew it, I couldn’t make myself feel it. So instead of being what you needed, I fell apart and complained that you weren’t treating me the way I wanted you to. But I knew better than anyone that sadness prevents you from acting normal. It makes everything difficult. But I was consumed so entirely by my own sadness, I couldn’t be what you needed. And for that I am truly sorry.
But I’m so much better now. I wish you could see how much better I am. I can react rationally and I’m silly almost all the time. I could be what you needed now, Evan. Remember when we would have good days? Days when I would laugh and tickle back and joke around? Just, good days? Every day could be a good day, now. I just know it… I wish you would’ve stuck around to see that. To see how I am now. To see that I’ve gained myself back. Because I have.
The sad thing is, even with the medication, I still have days. Not because people annoy me or I’m depressed, but because I miss you. With my whole soul I miss you. I don’t know how many times I can say that, but it’s true. I can feel it open up inside me, the weight of your absence. I have medicine that makes me happy, that brings out the happy person I always knew I was but couldn’t be. And yet I’m still so sad. I try not to be, but I can’t always prevent it. You really toppled my world, Evan.
I hope you miss me, because I miss you. And because I want to be someone worth missing. I’m one of a kind, and I know you loved me, maybe more than I loved you at times. I don’t know where that love went, but I know I still feel it. I find it hard to believe that you don’t love me at all anymore. I hope when you pass me on the sidewalk you still think, “Wow, she’s beautiful.” I hope you hear songs and think of me and have to change it because you wish I was there.
As much as I hate this for your sake, I honestly believe you will never find someone who loves you as much as I do. Not because you aren’t someone worth loving, but because of the extent and the way in which I love you. I love your flaws and your quirks and your habits and the way you say my name and how you are with kids. I love you, and I believe my love for you is truly unconditional. How else could I still love you, really, truly, honestly love you, after everything you’ve put me through?
I genuinely believed our love could withstand anything, after everything we went through. You used to love me that way, too. You used to be so sure about it. More sure than me. Every time I tried to push you away, you pulled me back. You reminded me how much you loved me, and made me believe that nothing could stop that.
Maybe one day you will love me that way again. Maybe one day, one, or two, or five years down the road, you’ll look around you and remember me. You’ll hear a song on your iPod or find the box of my stuff you packed away in your closet. And maybe then you’ll think, “I shouldn’t have let her go.”
If and until that day arrives, I hope you find what makes you happy so you can be yourself again. I hope you know that despite everything, I’m still here if you ever need me, even if it’s just as a friend.
Love,
Kinsey
Kinsey
No comments:
Post a Comment