to the point

"Shove it right up to the brink but don't go in because then you have no control and you'll have a huge mess on your hands. You have to balance the weight then slowly ease it into the hole then shove hard to get it those last few degrees up to full vertical. Plop. And it's in." - my art history teacher on the building of Stonehenge

I had to draw a self-portrait today using only contour lines. And let me tell you, I am more than just a couple lines. It was very difficult.

My roommate just told me I apparently need to actually do my homework... So I guess I have to do that now.

Yeah, this is enough for tonight.

art, ants, and another thing that starts with 'a'

Things are starting to pick up around here as far as work load goes. I have an art/ant assignment that the rough sketch is due for tomorrow (finished) and I have to do a self portrait using only contour lines... I'm gonna save that one for tomorrow. Tonight I still need to read the chapter in my text book about prehistoric art... Yay. (That is actually what I should be doing right now instead of writing this... But we all know how that goes.) At some point this week I have to get over to Bracken Library to read something for my Current US Issues class. I also have to choose a topic to give my Evidence Presentation speech in 2 weeks. (I'm thinking Spiderman vs Superman...) plus read 6 different chapters in my Fundamentals of Public Communications book. This is going to be interesting. I guess I'm actually going to have to start doing homework now that I'm in college.

I really don't want to draw the self portrait. For one thing, I don't think I'm self portrait worthy. For another, it's going to look even worse considering the fact that I can't use shading or value in any way. Just lines... It's going to be rough.

My shirt has a cat on it. With a sweatband. That says, "ART MARTYR." I kid you not.

I had some really good thoughts today. Now I forget them... I really need to start writing them down...

The left side of your brain wants to vote Republican and solve problems. The right side wants to vote Democrat and create art.

imma abrviate all my wrds. it makes me look rly dum, but it fits n a twitter post. #theimportantthingsinlife

I did write something, today! I think I shall share it with you all...

---

"Nerds"

A 50 minute lecture just started and I really need to go pee already. This is going to be a long, uncomfortable period. (Pun intended.) I'm already checking my watch. Bad sign. Dear Lord, please don't let this happen to me. It's only my second week.

---

I guess it all started when I was in kindergarten. -->bullies<-- That's right. Bullies are the reason I say things like, "I'm so warm," instead of, "I'm so hot."Bullies are the reason I eat quickly instead of picking my food into smaller pieces. But even as a kindergartener the bullying was just teasing. As a child, teasing is easy to laugh off because, hey! when you're 5 years old, everyone's friends with everyone.

So I guess 5th grade was the year I realized that there are people who are just flat out mean. For some it was still teasing. (I guess I was an easy target.) And considering the way I laughed much of it off and played along? Well, let's just say that didn't help my case much. Even so, looking back I'm sure there were at least two girls that year who genuinely meant to hurt me. They succeeded, so congrats to them, I suppose. At least that's something they accomplished in their lives. (Later one of them would claim is really was just all a joke. She had no idea it hurt my feelings so much to be the only one not invited along or included. She would befriend me later, when it suited her, saying that we'd always been friend, remember? The other would never say anything about it and I never asked. Neither response surprised me.)

It gets so tedious, reminding yourself day after day why bullies bully. But if you're me you do it anyway. You have to, because if you don't, a few years later when you find yourself shut up in your bathroom with all the lights off contemplating things you never thought in your life would ever even cross your mind, you might start falling even harder. So you remind yourself. Day in. Day out. Like a mantra.

Kinsey, bullies pick out your flaws so people don't pay attention to theirs. Bullies are just looking for attention because they don't get enough from the people they want it from. Bullies bully because they are the ones with low self-esteem. They don't think it's fair that they feel that way and want you to feel that way, too. Don't let them.

Well, my bullies got what they wanted. I never let them know that, but they did. My self esteem was crushed. Pummeled from a very young age. It still isn't right. There are days when I look at myself and think, "Why are people friends with you? I wouldn't be friends with you. I can't even look at you." I don't like to eat in cafeteria setting because I feel like everyone is watching me eat, wondering how I can possibly want more food when I'm already fat. Sometimes I don't like hanging out with my friends because all I can think is, "You're the fattest one here," and it goes around in my head again and again and every time I look around the room to affirm it the voice just gets louder.

I want out.

---

So, that's what I wrote today. 

I'm thinking about writing another story. I don't know if it'll be another short story or if it will expand into something longer... Longer, I think. I'll get back to you on that.

Right now it's nearly 11 pm. My roommate is in bed while I'm typing away at this keyboard. I still haven't done any of my reading, but we're just going to go over it in class tomorrow, so why waste my time now?

I think I'm starting to make some actual friends, though. People I sit and eat with instead of just sit next to in class. I think things might get better. At least, I'm praying for them to.

I think that's all I have for tonight. Much love.

Kinsey.

simple things

Nerds. Bo Burnham. Thanks for getting it.

I bought a CD today under the hassling of a friend. The kid who actually made the CD lives in my dorm. After being pestered basically all week to buy this CD, I figured it should be worth forking over 5 bucks. And it's pretty good, actually. I mean, it's not 100% my style. And there are parts of every song where I'm just kind of like, "Eh..." But as a whole, worth 5 bucks.


Now I have to go back and give him feedback at some point. Which means going all the way back across the dorm... Or hoping I see him on campus somewhere. Oh wellz.

So I think I'm really going to like foundations. We figured out today why we were supposed to observe ants. We have to create a little map using different types a lines for 3 different personalities. Should be interesting.

I love making silly stories up using only chat smilies on Skype. You should really try it some time.

I miss my friends... I want to see them.

I can't wait to go home this weekend. And sleep in my own bed. And see my family and all that jazz.

I really want to color in my "Nerds" drawing, but all I have are really expensive Prismacolor colored pencils...

My roommate is watching the Hannah Montana movie.

I will meet Bo Burnham one day. I don't confess to know him. But I want to know him. Because he seems like a really cool, interesting, chill guy. Though with all the art that goes on inside his head, I'm probably not worth too much of his time...  Or any of it for that matter.

"We Think We Know You." I will memorize the hand motions.

I don't have much else to say tonight. This one is kind of dull and not very angsty. Or Bo-filled (although there is a bit of Bo sprinkled in there.) Well... G'night.

Actually, a couple more things now that I've had my shower. One is, I love hot showers. And then at the very end I like it to be really really cold. When you do that, you get the same feeling as when you spend like, 30 minutes in a hot tub and then you go and jump in the lake at the very beginning of summer before the water's really warmed up yet and you scream as you jump in and it's freezing when you land and go under and you fight really fast to get back up and you take a huge breath when you break the surface and your teeth chatter and you fight to get to shore and get back to the hot tub but you know in 30 more minutes you're just going to go jump back in the lake...

I like appreciating the little things.

i got your back kid

If I had to make one self-centered wish, it would be to spend a day with Bo Burnham. I wouldn't even really need a day, actually. Just enough time to sit down and have a conversation with him. I want to know what goes on inside his head. (Though mind-reading has never been my first choice of superpower, I think I could make an exception.) Bo, if you ever read this, I'm sorry for being creepy. Don't lie. Even I think it's gotten kind of over-obsessed at this point. But I just can't help it...


I would really love to just be his friend, though. Even though he's an atheist and I'm a die-hard follower of Christ and he doesn't think he needs saving but I think he does... But I would never tell him that in my life because then we'd never be friends. But also more probably and less selfishly because I respect people who don’t believe what I believe. He obviously knows what he doesn’t believe and why and I won’t challenge him in that. 


Does that make me an awful Christian? I’m supposed to want to share my faith. And I do. But I also know when I’m beating a dead horse. And that people can perceive my sharing my faith with them as shoving it down their throats and that’s one of the main reasons people are turned off to Christianity because we say things like, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” and we shove that at them until they fall over and then they hate us for it.


Regardless, I need to get over this guy I’ve never met who would probably never even give me a second glance. Because I’m just like all his other fans. Especially all of his other girl fans. Except a lot of them are probably a lot prettier than me. Though I don't see Bo as a shallow person, I think we all are. At least a little bit.


I think my boyfriend is starting to hate Bo Burnham because of the extent to which I adore him. But here I am at college and all jumbled (if you read my post "oh bo..." you'll know what I'm talking about) and Bo is there... And it's so difficult to be away from Evan and be surrounded by single people at the same time and not question some things. And because it’s difficult to be away from him it makes me think that I really don’t love him as much as I ought to or think I do. And sometimes I think I’m just keeping around until I find someone who likes more of what I like, like art and poetry and literature.  But I’m also afraid that if I find someone that I think will be a better fit and he turns out not to be anything Evan has ever been, I’ll hate the other guy and myself. And I owe more to Evan than just keeping him around until someone else comes along. But I don’t think that’s what I’m doing. I don’t think. Maybe subconsciously?


And that all makes me feel like an ugly human being. I hate this. I hate this. I want this to stop. This circling in my head. It won’t stop and it just keeps pounding and shit… 


If I say something that you relate to, I’ve done my purpose. But if you say something that relates to me, if you get it all too, then I’m no longer unique. I want to say things to make people out there get it. So when they already do, I don’t know how to react. Cause a lot of the time in my mind, no one else gets it. Gah!


The smell of popcorn is wafting through my dorm room and “9” is on the title menu now. I shall be watching it alone tonight. Yay me.


I’m a little pathetic, you know that? All I do is school, then I check my DeviantArt account. Then FaceBook. Then Twitter. Then my blog. And the entire time all I do is wait for someone to reply to make me feel that writing all those things and taking those pictures was worth my time and that it wasn’t just for me. Because putting all of my thoughts out there on my blog like that makes me feel important. It makes me feel brave to have them floating out in cyberspace where anyone could stumble across and read them. Even Bo Burnham could one day Google his own name and end up at my blog.


But all that waiting around for some form of acknowledgement makes me a little bit narcissistic. A little too caught up in modern culture. In myself. And that makes me sad. I don’t want to base my self worth on if people comment on my blog or not. I want to do things because they increase my self worth without the approval of others. But I get so confused sometimes...


And you know, if we can write lies and tell lies and live lies, then how in the world do we ever know what to believe? I  hope you don’t think that any of what I’ve written here was a lie. It’s the truth. The awful, pitiful, egotistic, heartbreaking truth. And I hate it. No, I can’t handle the truth. Not even my own. 


I hope that at some point someone reads this and thinks what I have to say is worth their time. Perhaps. Who knows. I don’t. Oh well. I guess I have to let that go.


It get's really lonely here. A large percent of my friends are together at another college and seeing them all together like that, getting ready to go to a party on a Saturday night while I sit alone in my room for the second night in a row makes me feel really lonely. Then you take the fact that they're all already together and add to it that they've made a couple new friends already... It's a bit overwhelming. And easy to feel like I'm being replaced. But that's just me feeling sorry for myself.


Don't get me wrong. My friends are not replacing me and I know that. I also know that they miss me just as much as I miss them. It's just difficult when they're all together because all of us have spent the better part of the last 5 years together so I feel really out of place without them. I don't feel like I fit in here yet. I'm having a really difficult time making friends. Everyone in my hall already has all these little clicks and I don't fit in to any of them. There are a couple people that I talk to, but I don't hang out with them, you know? Like, they're my "class friends." Maybe it's because it's the first week...


The point of this is not to make people feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I want. I'm just journalling, basically. Since nearly no one but me reads this, I might as well say what I feel.


But back to the friends thing. One experience I've had so far? The first night here I ended up playing Taboo with a group of girls. The next day there was an Honors House picnic and I saw one of the girls I met the night before and due to some unspoken thing we sat together for lunch. At one point she looks over and says, "Is your watch on upside down?"
Me: No.
Her: Then how do you tell time on it?
Me: Well, even though it doesn't have any dots, I just get used to where the hands are.
Her: Well, I like these things, they're called 'digital watches' and they have the numbers right their for you.


...


That is not how we make friends.


"Nerds. The Faggots. The spastic fat chicks who sit in the back with no one to do their labs with. The kid with acne and tons of Proactiv packed inside his backpack. I got your back kid..."


On the upside of things, I love my roommate. I'm really glad that I got roomed with her. I've met some of the girls I thought about rooming with and... I don't know if I could have been their roommates. Maybe Krystal's. She's really sweet. But this one girl, I went to meet her, and the first time I saw her she opened her door and was preparing to go to a sorority house party... I don't know that that would have worked out.


Anyway, because I've been feeling so angsty recently, my emotions opened the way to some pretty raw poetry. So. Here goes.

If my childhood dies

Just sink me in a stream

Any stream I think will do the trick

Because sometimes I feel (I know)

This world's a little sick

And I'm a little sick

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Sick of being un-unique

Sick of walking down the street

And waving to people that I meet

Who pass me by just the same

Cause yesterday they forgot my name

Which is probably all just as well, 'cause

Though in my chest the tightness swells

I thank God that they forgot my face

Just another human in the race

Looking for a place in the race

And looking to place

Cause good guys finish last

So I'll take my time and let you pass

And just lie down here in this grass

And if you can write a little lie

And get away with white lies

And you're life's a web of lies

Then why don't we all just lie

Lie down, down, down on the the ground

Next to the stream in which I'll drown

If my childhood ever dies

And that part inside me cries

Because I know it's already turning blue

Lack of oxygen, lack of art, too

Lack of self-esteem, of faith in me and you

Cause I'm so far away these days

And like a dog that's told to stay

You sit at home and you remain

While I'm here in this giant game

Being tossed and rolled like a lonesome die

A die in the middle of "Two Truths and a Lie"

I don't belong and I don't know why

I'm here and the thoughts don't stop

Twirling, twisting like a top

An egotistic top who wants to stop

But at the same time wants this dizzy blur

'Cause for once it means it's all about her

And what she's doing 'cause no one's sure

And neither is she. I mean, neither am I

Maybe at the end it's a great big tie

With the entire human race

But put of that all aside

The suspense is fierce and it's free

I hope it lasts ('cause it's killing me)

A pinch of bipolar and a dash of pathetic

(Any stream will do the trick)

A cup of cowardice makes it thick

But narcissism makes it stick

To think this recipe is worth your time

Just because it took some of mine

And these words are mine

And these thoughts are mine

But I'm sure they've been said and thought before

I turned around and they locked the door

And there goes my childhood's final score

(I'll sing you mine if you sing me yours)

I can hear it crying, crying till it makes a stream

So lie in the lies and dream sweet dreams

Because this lie, this game, is exactly as it seems

And there it went.

searching for signal

The one's who put themselves in charge and make the rest of the world hate a particular group aren't always the majority, just the loudest.

     --> We listen to them because the human race has a morbid fascination with the negative.

I wonder if optometrists could invent transitions contact lenses.

Sometimes I think gay people are more homophobic than straight people.


I also sometimes think minorities are more racist than the white people they accuse.


If I moved to Spain to work, I would learn to speak Spanish.


Occasionally I wonder if I'm the only person who thinks I have good things to say.


If you read my blog, please comment so I know I'm not just writing this to myself like the loser I try to convince myself I'm not. It doesn't even have to be a full sentence. A period or some other mark of punctuation will be sufficient. I just want to know you're there.


There was an Altoid avalanche on the stairs by the mailroom.


I think I'm really going to love it here. I think there are people who really just get it. Get what it's like for no one to get it and understand that it's not just okay to struggle, but natural even. That things that come naturally to some people just don't to others. That we're all just on this journey together and although our ups and downs are all going to be different, the point is we're all going to have ups and downs. I'm ready to be creative. Let me at 'em.


These are just random thoughts that passed through my head today.

"Then the clouds opened up and God said, 'I hate you Alfalfa.'"

Update: I guess I wasn't done thinking for the day.

I think this bee thinks my computer is a flower.

If you stumbled upon me right now, you might think me very collegiate. I feel collegiate. I'm sitting under a tree with my back against the trunk. The sky is blue. My laptop computer is sitting in my lap (go figure) and here I am typing away at it while occasionally eating part of the scone I just bought from the food court. If you saw me right now, you'd probably also think I was listening to music but the truth is I really just have my headphones on so no one will bother me. I'm not actually listening to anything at all (although I plan to).  What you'd never know though, is that I'm actually looking for ants. Yes ants. The little black things that can carry 100 times their weight and seem to be attracted to red and white checkered picnic blankets. It's for an art assignment.

Oh my god. I just found ants with wings!

...

They flew away. -insert sad face here-

I don't think anyone gives a damn about what I have to say on here. Knock knock. Hello. Cricket. Pen drop. Etc.

I hope no one else saw that...

This tree root is starting to put my butt to sleep.

OH! What I originally started to edit this blog for besides telling you (if there is a you out there) about the  ants. What I wanted to say is that I hate automatic flush toilets. Yes, I understand that they help prevent the spread of germs. But holy crap (no pun intended) today I was in a restroom with an automatic flush toilet and it flushed like, 4 times. I flushed when I sat down. It flushed when I leaned over to grab toilet paper. It flushed when I stood up (the only time it was actually supposed to). And then it flushed when I turned around to get the stall door open and leave. So, while that toilet may prevent the spread of germs that I would have killed 30 seconds later anyway by washing my hands like I'm supposed to, it wasted a lot of water in the process. Plus, it still didn't protect me from all of the germs that are on the handle to the stall door that I had to touch to get it open on my way out.

Speaking of toilets that waste water, my dorm here has "green handles." Yes, they are called "green" because they're supposedly good for saving water and helping the environment, but they're also literally the color green. Anyway, the point is that if you only go #1 (liquid waste - as it descriptively says on the accompanying plaque) you lift up on the handle and it only uses however much water one clipart water droplet represents. If you go #2 (solid waste - again, thank you plaque) you push down on the handle and it uses three clipart water droplets' worth of water. That sounds really good in theory. The only problem with it is, when you only go number #1 and you pull up on the handle to try to conserve water, it never gets it all down. The stream just jets out really fast and I'm convinced it just opens and closes quickly because all it does is tear up the toilet paper so you have all these fragments of used TP in the bottom of the bowl now, plus the water in the bowl is always, always, still tinged slightly yellow. So you have to flush it again. And then sometimes a third time. And by the time you've flushed it three times it's used the exact same amount of water as if I had just flushed #1 using the #2 method, so it's really not saving water at all. So that's that.

I'm going to post this again and look for more ants and maybe actually play some music. I might update again tonight. If I think some more.

Oh! There's an ant. Gotta go!


Update (Again): I know. How did I come up with even more to say?


I guess in a really narcissistic way, I want to be the only one who gets it. And when I come across someone who makes me know I'm not, I kind of flip out. I know how stupid that sounds. I should be excited, right? That someone else gets it? But I'm not. Because that means there's just one more thing that isn't unique about me. I keep trying to find something about me that makes me different. And every time I think I do, I see someone or hear something that tells me someone already wrote my words or thought my thoughts or whatever it may be. And then I feel like shit.


I hate having to go to the bathroom. I was completely comfortable outside. But then I had to pee. And I had to pick up all of my stuff and come inside to go to the bathroom and use that dumb "green" toilet handle. And even though I was enjoying sitting outside under that tree and looking all collegiate, I'm inside now and I don't feel like dragging all my stuff out there again.


I actually did start listening to some music in case you were wondering (you probably werent'). Bo Burnham (Go figure.) Maybe it's just Bo I want to feel like gets it. If he says something that makes me feel he gets it, I feel like we could be friends. But other people get what he gets and what I get and then I'm not important any more. And I can't be.


And this makes me feel sorry for myself. And I hate that. And I just...


It's all a hot mess.


You know what else? I have a lot of friends and people who care about me. But I always feel like there's someone they care about more. Like, let's just say there's Friend A, B and Me. And if all three of us had to choose one person, A would choose B and B would choose A and then there would be me.


I'm so glad our gym teachers always assigned us teams in school.


Maybe I should stop thinking for the day.


I think that's a good idea for now.


Love,
A Spastic Fat Chick

oh bo...

So. I'm so torn. And I know no one else will understand.


But I'm in love.


Yes, I said it. I'm in love. With a boy. And his name is Bo Burnham.


If you haven't heard of him, go youtube him. (I'm actually listening to him right now.) Unless you are easily offended or take things personally or are a minority who likes to play the racist card or... Well, if you're white, go listen to him.


Seriously, though. My freshman year of high school, my friend showed me a video by this kid, and I think I knew then that he was everything I wanted. (Evan, if you're reading this, I didn't know you then, and I'm sorry.) He was a tall, scrawny, white kid who played piano and guitar, sang (well, I might add), made me laugh, and wasn't afraid to be politically incorrect or offensive. Genius. (And now as a freshman in college I actually understand 95% of what he alludes to in his music! Hooray for learning!)


So, like I said. Freshman year I listened to him. And for the next few years every once in a while I just needed a good laugh that only Bo could bring about. Then recently, I rediscovered him and his new material and since then I've been overwhelmingly taken by him. Maybe it's because I'm older now and actually understand just how ingenious he really is because I can appreciate that fact that he's not only clever, but well read and informed. Maybe it's because he's kind of like a fictional character, a celebrity it's okay to fawn over because I know he'll never be mine (which is just fine with me because I have a wonderful boyfriend now. Love you, Evan <3). Maybe it's because he's still a tall, scrawny, white kid who plays guitar and piano, sings well, makes me laugh, and isn't afraid to be politically incorrect or offensive. It's most likely a combination of all three.


But most of all, I just appreciate him. He has a knack I think a lot of people want. I was recently told that talent is mostly just busting your ass. Bo knows what he wants. From what I've read, he always has. And he worked for it and got what he wanted and now he's doing what he loves. And I commend him for that.


I'm also intensely jealous.


I'm a freshman in college. I keep telling people I want to study visual communications. And I do, I think. But mostly I just want to know what I want. I want to know who I am and not be afraid to be just that. People keep telling me it's okay to not know right now. I'm only 18. But Bo was 18 (for only a few days, actually) when he became the youngest person in history to record a special for comedy central. He's only 3 years older than I am and is touring, preforming his comedy skit.


I want that. No, not the touring and the comedy skit. But I want to know what I love and be good at it. I want to bring something refreshing into the world like Bo does with his raw humor. I want people to appreciate what I do because I'm good at it. I want to feel unique and like I actually add something to this world. 


I'm only a freshman in college, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to embrace my quirks and my awkward and enjoy just being me. But it's so difficult. I watched the comedy troop Second City last night. They came to my college and did a performance. I laughed incredibly hard and loved the entire thing. But I couldn't help but think this: On stage, it's okay for them to act ridiculous because they're actors and it's what people except from them. But, if they were students on campus who acted like that, they'd be the outcasts. It would be completely socially unacceptable. This is why it's so difficult.


But I'm working on it. And listening to Bo along the way for inspiration and a reminder that it's okay to be myself and be ridiculous because one day, people will appreciate it. And perhaps if I'm just, well, me, other people will want that, too. And I think that would make the world a better place.


I've though about this a lot and I really want to tell Bo that he's been an inspiration to me, as corny as it sounds. I've been trying to figure out how to say it without being a creeper. Posting on his FaceBook wall? Creep. But commenting on something he posts? That just makes me one of 147,689 other fans that felt they had something to say that was worth Bo's time. (Not that I'm saying what I have to say to him is more or less worth his time than what anyone else has to say except, well... it kinda is... jk. But seriously.) I tried to tweet him, but you can't get this across in 140 characters or less, especially when 10 of those precious characters are taken up by simply tagging him in it. I also posted on his YouTube wall, but I couldn't say what I really wanted to...


So I just wrote this blog. Which he'll probably never read because I'm a coward and don't have the lady balls to send it to him somehow.


But Bo, if you ever read this for some crazy reason, please know that I love you in the least creepy interpretation of the word. Love as in admire. To an intense degree that I'm completely overwhelmed by. I hope you don't think I'm creepy now. That's the last thing I wanted, but, much like "My Whole Family..." this blog has most likely been completely counterproductive...


Peace out.


Kinsey.